160. Bad Wrench

160. "Blind" by Talking Heads

Obscure Lyrics + Funky Guitars + Tight Horns + Bongos + David Byrne's Weird Scream-Singing + More Bongos = Can't Stop Hitting the Replay Button

There's a Talking Heads CD in the car that is always loaded up and ready to play. Whenever "Blind" comes up, I almost always end up listening to it three or four times in a row, unless my wife is with me and says, "No! Not again! For the love of all things holy, once is enough! Next song please!" I like a lot of other Talking Heads songs, but I probably play this one the most just because there's so much going on in it, and I can't attend to all the aural yumminess in just one listening. The horns sound especially good to me, and I sometimes fantasize about what it would be like to play trumpet on this song in a Talking Heads concert. I also love the way the 3-D bongo drums pop back and forth from ear to ear. It's a stereophonic chunk of funk that has held up nicely over time. Some Talking Heads songs that I used to like a lot haven't aged very well and I like them less now. But this one is the same as it ever was. The CD version on a surround-sound stereo is much better than what you can hear on a YouTube video played over computer speakers. But when it comes to the Webernet, convenience always trumps quality, so here's a crappy video version for your instant gratification. But on the plus side, you will get to stare at a picture of a monkey holding a flower for five minutes.



There is a really strange music video for this song, but disappointingly, there aren't any monkeys in it. However, the video does feature a snaggletoothed pipe wrench with overactive salivary glands that is campaigning for president at a political rally. I know that sounds outrageously unrealistic and strange, because in today's 24-hour televised political environment we have come to expect our presidential candidates to have all their teeth. Yes, I believe we have become much more accepting of diversity in American politics, so much so that I can imagine a day not too far way when we could possibly elect a pipe wrench for president. But not one that can't smile pretty into the camera. When it comes to presidential dentals, the American People want straight, super-white teeth and lots of 'em. Without that, where would we be as a nation? England?!

The other bad thing about the video is that it cuts off the song a half-minute early. The full album version, which has another 30 seconds of delicious funk filling with a sweet guitar solo on top, is a better song.

And my last criticism of the video is that the title of the song is "Blind," but Pipe Wrench doesn't poke any eyes out in the video. Pipe just rips off the ear of a political advisor. I'm sure there is some kind of political message intended by this lobe-chomping scene. Was David Byrne trying to say that we become intellectually blind when politicians take away our ability to hear the truth? Was he presaging Mike Tyson's cannibalistic impulses? Or was he just trying to stop making sense? You can decide for yourself by clicking the link to the video below.

Music Video Political Weirdness: Blind

And now for a bit of praise regarding bongos. While they aren't as pleasing to my ear as cowbells, they are a close second. The difference? It's possible for a song to have too much of the bongo. Not so with the cowbell. "Too much cowbell" is one of those nonsense phrases where words are strung together with no discernible practical meaning, like "almost bullet-proof" or "jiggery-pokery argle-bargle" or "Jermaine Jackson's Greatest Hits."

Anyway, a well-balanced bongo sound can take a song places it would never go without it. Here's an experiment to prove my point. The 1960 song "Apache" by The Shadows is a pretty nifty ear-filler. It enjoyed popularity for a while, and then it faded from the charts. Like most hit songs, it didn't do much to change the music industry. Take a listen.



Nice song. (THAAAANKS!) But now add some bongo beats to the tune, and what do you get? A song that gave birth to hip-hop!



Yeah, Buddy! Gotta love that BONGO!

Okay, maybe this song wasn't the mother of hip-hop, but it was definitely in the delivery room during its birth, maybe as a Lamaze coach. I read on the Wikipedia that some call it "hip-hop's national anthem." Elsewhere on the netweb I read that it's one of the most sampled songs in hip-hop, and artists keep searching for new ways to incorporate samples from "Apache" into their songs.

While I realize that there are limits to what bongos can do for any song, I do think that it's pretty impressive to see how bongos can turn even truly awful stuff into something half-way entertaining. For example, you wouldn't think that bongos could fix what's wrong with Jermaine Jackson's video to the song "Dynamite." But I have created another experiment to provide convincing evidence of the healing power of the bongo.

Here's what you do.

Step 01. First, watch the "Dynamite" video below in its entirety. I don't know why anyone would choose a prison theme for a music video when the first line of the song is "I don't know too much, but I know love, the way I've been touched." But apparently Jermaine thought it was a great idea. Anyway, watch the video so you know how bad it is.

Step 02. Then click on the button to mute the sound on the "Dynamite" video.

Step 03. Then scroll up to start playing "Apache" again. Let the drum intro play while you quickly scroll back down and prepare to start the "Dynamite" video.

Step 04. Click the play button on the "Dynamite" video when you hear the first guitar notes of "Apache."

Congratulations! You're now watching the "Dynamite" video to the bongo music from "Apache." I think you'll notice a significant increase in how much you enjoy the video when there's bongo music playing.



See! Bongo makes it better!

Thank you, Science, for teaching us how to make the world better through experiments. Now if Science could only come up with some kind of psychological profile or test that could be used to identify narcissistic, sociopathic, power-hungry pipe wrenches before they seize control over the executive branch of the government and rip all of our ears off. Yeah, that would be nice. Not as nice as stereophonic bongos, but still nice.