31. Stud eht setib eno rehtona

31. "Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen

After hearing this song, I spent some of the sparse allowance money I got as a 9th grade kid and bought "The Game"--an album that, rumor had it, featured backwards masking that encouraged the kiddies to "smoke marijuana." I chose not to believe the rumor, bought the album, and listened to "Another One Bites the Dust" over and over and over and over.

There were other songs on the album worth listening to. "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" was a chart topper. And I enjoyed "Need Your Loving Tonight." The other songs were okay, but side two didn't get a lot of air time.

One reason I liked "Another One Bites the Dust" is because we used to play it after every 9th grade football game that we won. I think Coach Pratt made us turn it off on away games. But we'd play it on the bus afterwards. I think we either went undefeated or only lost one game that season.

It wasn't until my cousin Randy came to live with me that I discovered that the rumors were true. He showed me how to listen to the backward masking on "Another One Bites the Dust." And it did say "smoke marijuana" overlayed on top of "another one bites the dust." Because of all the crap I'd been through because of Randy's pot smoking habit, this backwards masking thing pissed me off to the point that I think I got rid of the record. I either threw it away or gave it to someone one who wanted it. By then, I'd become more of a Billy Joel fan, so I didn't buy anymore Queen albums. But I will admit that I must be a bigger Queen fan than I thought I was, because when I saw "Bohemian Rhapsody" in the theater, during a number of scenes I said to Julie, "That's not what really happened" or "Their timeline is off."

As a post-break up song, "Another One Bites the Dust" is about that moment when self-loathing gives way to being just plain pissed. How pissed? Pissed enough to call up Steve--an assassin-for-hire that likes to wear hats and loud shoes--to kill the formerly beloved with a machine gun.

Now, I'm NOT advocating violence against former lovers. The world already has one O. J. Simpson. It doesn't need any more. But I think this song does tap into a universal truth--nothing helps to heal a broken heart quite like fantasies of violent revenge.

32. Takin' it all instead of takin' one bite.

32. "That's All" by Genesis

Whether the break up song is by Phil himself or by Genesis, it's always the same. It's just a shame. That's all.



Question of the Day: Why would an English hobo camp have a fully-functioning grand piano in it? Wouldn't the hobos chop it up for firewood?

33. Oh, Lord!

33. "In the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins

At the end of the self-loathing stage of the break up comes a singular moment in which the anger starts to run pure. And that's a good thing. It brings clarity to the situation and helps the mind accept the truth of what has happened in the past, what is happening now, and what has to happen in the future.



Would you like a longer intro to that song? And a longer drum solo? And a couple dozen more "Oh Lords?" No problem.



And do you remember hearing this song on one of the early Miami Vice episodes? I do.



Crocket and Tubbs in a black Ferrari. Oh, Lord!

34. A Lot of Self Loathing Sounds Even Better

34. "(Wish I Could Fly Like) Superman" by The Kinks

When I wake up in the morning I also put on my clothes to keep from being depressed, but I definitely don't do it because I weigh only nine stone.


Also, I don't just want to fly like Superman. I want the super strength, super speed, super hearing, heat vision, x-ray vision, cold breath, invulnerability, and that thing where he can erase a woman's memory by kissing her. (Come to think of it, that last one might actually come in more handy than the other powers.) However, to be honest, I don't want to have to wear a cape. It seems pointless to me. If I'm impervious to any weather conditions, and I don't ever get cold, then what do I need a cape for? Wearing the skin-tight super S suit would be alright, but I'd like to lose about nine stone before I try it on.

35. A Little Self-Loathing Sounds Good

35. "I Hate Myself for Loving You" by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts

The anger goes all the way up to 11 on this song.

Ow! Ugh!


Dear Video,

Thank you for the black leather and spandex. It is much appreciated.

Sincerely,

Nardo

36. The Angry Yellow Wharf

36. "Separate Ways" by Journey

And now for the most desperate of post-break up songs--the one where the guy accepts the fact that they've broken up for good, but he still professes to have undying love and devotion for the woman.

If this song had been written by a country-western singer (think Willie Nelson), it probably would have had a sad, slow tempo with some wailing steel guitar bits. But Journey is a ROCK band, so the song features a driving tempo with lots of angry bass and rhythm guitar. That isn't to say that the lead guitar doesn't wail. Neal Schon knows how to make it cry, alright. But it's an angry wail.

The video features lots of angry performances, too. There's angry air guitar, angry air keyboard, angry air drums, angry singing into the camera, and angry slamming of a fist onto yellow corrugated metal. However, the drummer is wearing a foosball t-shirt, so they can't really turn the anger dial up to 11--which is the exact level my anger was set at when I used to listen to this song in high school. But it's a solid 10 and 1/2, and that's why it is the highest-ranked Journey song on this list. 


Question of the Day: What is that woman doing walking around the wharf in white high heels and a tight black skirt, and why is she wearing Eddie Van Halen's t-shirt under that white jacket?

37. So Belch--BRAACH--In Her Ear!

37. "I Can Dream About You" by Dan Hartman

John Waite's post-break up response to missing his lost love was to wrap himself up tight in a thick blanket of denial. But Dan Hartman takes that same blanket and uses it to cover himself while he takes a nice long nap on the couch.

And what does Dan dream about? Tending bar for white people while watching a video of black people singing his song.



The opening bass line of this song was the musical inspiration to my post-break up song "So Belch"--the only song I know that features an extended belch solo. Of course, there's some mighty good belching in Weird Al songs. However, Weird Al never really explored the musical possibilities of the belch. He just used it as a type of comic punctuation. But I went far beyond that to explore the full range of the belch as a musical instrument.

That's right. I'm the Kenny G of belching!

Braaaaaaach!

(Nice belch.)

(THANKS!)