The Top 60 Albums

Push pause on "The Best Songs You Ain't Never Heard," and press play on "The Top 60 Albums list. Why now? Because with the Top 200 list, I waited until HondoJoe finished his list before I began mine, and I think the list lost a bit of Oomph to it at the end because it had been over five years since the whole project started. So this time, I'm going to join in the list-making at the same time. Hopefully, this way the entire sharing of the lists will get done on a timetable that won't stretch out until I hit my 60s, which it very well could if I waited to work on it until after HondoJoe finishes his. 

With that in mind, here comes my Top 60 Albums--kind of. As with my Top 200 list, it won't include any Billy Joel albums because if I did include them, they'd all be at the top of the list. And yes, that would include his classical piano album. That's because my love of Billy Joel is not rational. (You may be correct. I may be insane.) And piling all of his albums at the top of the list would be, well, rather predictable and boring and anti-climactic. And dammit! I want to be climactic!

As with the Top 200 list, my selection criteria won't be the same as HondoJoe's. That's not because I think HondoJoe's criteria are not good. They are EXCELLENT criteria, and I am keen to read each HondoJoe entry on the list because of them. But having read the first 8 on the list, I realize that I think about my album selections in a different way, so I'm going to need to use different criteria to reflect my thoughts on them. But here are a few criteria that limit what will and won't appear on this list.

1. No "Greatest Hits" albums. Yes, I think they're fun to listen to, but they don't have that special something that the album's had that they originally appeared on. Half the fun of listening to an album is enjoying the non-hit songs that help to give the album its special character. Greatest Hit albums are basically shameless cash grabs--not a holistic work of artistic expression. And that's one of the reasons why I really hated that Billy Joel released new songs on his Greatest Hits albums. I wanted those on a full album, dammit! (Apparently, I want to say dammit a lot right now. So, dammit! I will!)

2. No movie soundtracks that consist of a collection of different artists singing songs that are featured in the movie. Now, I will include movie soundtracks if they're by one artist or band and have that holistic album feel to them. But I won't include albums like the soundtrack to "Cocktail," even though it does have some good songs on it that I'm fond of because we had that tape when I first got married, and I have good memories of that time. However, those kind of movie soundtracks are too much like "Greatest Hits" albums--they lack that certain special something...dammit!

3. No holiday albums. I really like the Peanut's songs on the album for "A Charlie Brown Christmas," but I decided that I wasn't going to include Christmas albums because they're the kind of thing you listen to during the season, but then you don't listen to them the rest of the year because, well, it just feels wrong. I mean, when was the last time you listened to Christmas music in March? So I'm only going to include albums that I'll listen to the whole year round.

And that's it. Everything else if fair game. Now prepare yourself for Captain Nardo's Top 60 Albums. Dammit!

"Put It Where You Want It" by The Crusaders

"Put It Where You Want It" by The Crusaders

The Crusaders wrote this instrumental song in 1971 and released it in 1972, when it spent a whole nine weeks on the charts and topping out at #52 in September of 1972. Other bands covered the song, including the Average White Band, who added some lyrics that, of course, were all about making love. Now, I'm not against making love. Politically speaking, I'm very much in favor of making love--a stance I've held since puberty came along and made me a Democrat. But I think the song is much, much better as an instrumental. It's got that 70s vibe to it that takes me back to the days before yogurt became a thing you could buy in stores and television shows had long theme songs. And if my life were ever turned into a 70s sitcom, this would be the theme song to it. The intro to the Captain Nardo Show would be this song playing while the screen showed me going about my daily routine, and every now and then there would be a freeze frame close-up of me making a stupid face when something goes wrong, like dripping a glob of yogurt on my shirt. In fact, if you want to turn your morning routine into a non-stop laugh riot, play this song while you're brushing your teeth and shaving and showering and putting on your clothes and stuffing your face with yogurt and just suddenly freeze your body and face at random times and pretend it's one of the freeze frames from the intro sequence to your TV sitcom life.

Now if I could only find a laugh-track device that I could carry around with me all day and press the button anytime anything stupid happened, my 70s sitcom life would be complete. 

"Keep on Movin'" by Pages

"Keep on Movin'" by Pages

In 1978 Richard Page and Steve George got some of their studio musician pals together, formed the band "Pages" and put out their first self-titled album "Pages." The album has some fine songs on it, but it did not have any commercial success as an album, and none of the songs made it on any of the charts. But there was real potential in the band, so they mixed up the supporting session musicians a bit and put out a second album in 1979 called "Future Street." Again, the album did not sell well, and the only song from the album to chart was "I Believe in You," which only got as high as #84 on the Billboard Top 100. Determined to try one more time, the band switched labels in 1981 from Epic to Capitol and put out a third album titled "Pages," achieving that rare musical feat of putting out TWO self-titled albums in a period of four years. 

Hint to record label marketing folks--if the first album with the title didn't sell well, you're probably not going to get much better results putting out a second album with the same title. All you're going to do is confuse the people that order new stock at Budget Tapes and Records who still remember how they got stuck with discount bin copies of the first album, so they won't dare risk bringing in any more albums with the same name.

Unsurprisingly, the third album did not sell well either, although once again, there is some very good tracks on the album worth listening to. Having bombed 3 times in a row, the band called it quits, and Page and George went back to work as session musicians for a number of other artists, leaving behind some very listenable but commercially unsuccessful songs. Among them, I think that "Keep on Movin'" is a hidden gem that should have charted back in 1979 when disco was in its full flowering. Also, this song should have lived on and on and on in aerobics classes and workout playlists.

This song was definitely worthy of a number on one of the many song charts that were around in 1979! It's too bad the band didn't keep on movin' and try at least one more time to put out some songs that would receive some kind of commercial success.

Oh, wait. They did. Page and George put together another band in 1984 and became half of the group "Mr. Mister." And after Page turned down offers to be the lead singer for Toto and Chicago, the group went on to chart with TWO #1 hits on the pop charts with "Kyrie" and "Broken Wings." 

Why Mr. Mister never put out a self-titled album remains a mystery. 

 

"Who'll Be the Fool Tonight" by Larsen Feiten Band

 "Who'll Be the Fool Tonight" by Larsen Feiten Band

Professional jealousy does not become Glen Campbell. The object of his covetousness was, of course, the success that Larsen Feiten Band had with their first album "Larsen Feiten Band" and their top 40 hit "Who'll Be the Fool Tonight." It seems rather petty for such jealousy to arise in a man who had enjoyed worldwide fame as a musician in the 60s and 70s--even winning multiple Grammy awards, including Album of the Year with "By the Time I Get to Phoenix." But I suppose his star was beginning to fade by the time 1980 rolled around, and so he simply could not help but express his displeasure with the Larsen Feiten Band on "Solid Gold" right in front of Dione Warwick. Fortunately, the Larsen Feiten Band had a friend in Dione, who leapt to their defense by explaining that they were musicians who had been around for many years and had played with some of the biggest names in the music industry, including Bob Dylan, the Allman Brothers, and George Harrison, just to name a few! Well, jealous Glen didn't know what to say after hearing that. I mean, after all, when someone drops the name "The Allman Brothers" in an argument, you know it's time to just shut the hell up! So, a humbled Glen begrudgingly acknowledged that Larsen Feiten Band were true professionals. 

Thanks, Dione! I only wish that we had a video of that episode of Solid Gold on the YouTubes so that we could see the expression on Glen's face when he...

What?! You say we do have that episode of Solid Gold on the YouTubes?! 

Roll the tape!

I really don't know why Glen would be jealous in the first place. The song peaked at #29 on the pop charts, which is a long, long way from the #1 spot that his "Rhinestone Cowboy" enjoyed on both the Country and Pop charts in 1975. But if Glen wants to be a jealous prick on national television, I guess he gets to be a jealous prick on national television. Apparently, winning a Grammy gets you a free pass on all sorts of bad behaviors.

Anyway, I recently listened to "Who'll Be the Fool Tonight" while binging Yacht Rock on the YouTubes after someone engaged in a texting war with me involving lines from both a Little River Band album and a Christopher Cross album. And after not hearing "Who'll Be the Fool Tonight" since... well... probably since 1980, I was still able to remember quite a few of the lines, including the chorus:

I'll be missing you
Will he be kissing you
I guess we're gonna have to wait and see
Who'll be the fool tonight
C'mon baby
Who'll be the fool tonight
C'mon baby

Clearly, if I could remember so much of the song, I must have enjoyed hearing that song on the truck and tractor radios back in 1980. And I enjoyed listening to the song 40 years later so much that I thought to myself, "In spite of the fact that they made the disastrous decision to name the band after both of their last names, this song sounds pretty good, and I bet those guys had some other hits." So, I listened to the album titled "Larsen Feiten Band," and after hearing it all the way through, I thought to myself, "Who thought it would be a good idea to name both the band AND their first album after their last names?" I also thought there were parts of the other songs on the album that sounded really good--at least as good as a lot of other stuff I had heard on American Top 40 during 1980. But none of them became even minor hits. 

Then I thought that maybe Larsen Feiten Band had recorded other albums, so I Googled "Larsen Feiten Band" and discovered that all of the members of the Larsen Feiten Band recorded another album in 1982. The name of both the band and the album was "Full Moon featuring Neil Larsen and Buzz Feiten." None of the songs were hits. I blame Glen Campbell. If he hadn't used his mighty power of the Grammy to curse the success of the Larsen Feiten Band's "Larsen Feiten Band," maybe the band would have stayed together as the "Larsen Feiten Band" instead of changing their name to "Full Moon featuring Neil Larsen and Buzz Feiten." Actually, Larsen and Feiten had released a previous album in 1972 under the band name "Full Moon." And the title of Full Moon's first album was..."Full Moon." 

That's right. They named the both the band and the album the same thing THREE TIMES IN A ROW! And they only got one top 40 hit out of all that work. In the following years, Larsen and Feiten released solo albums (with no hits) but did end up as session musicians on a lot of other top 40 songs by other singers/bands. Both Larsen and Feiten are very good musicians and sought-after session players. Feiten even invented a new way to tune electric guitars. Do you know how smart of a musician you have to be to invent a new way to tune an electric instrument? Neither do I. But he is at least that good. And Larsen is so good that he played with Miles Davis. Miles Davis! Do you know how good you have to be for Miles Davis to ask you to play with him? Neither do I. But we're talking about Jazz deity here. Of course, Miles is no Allman Brother, but he's still very, very good.

Does Larsen Feiten Band deserve to be known as One Hit Wonders? Individually, I'd say no, because individually they played on other top 40 hits. But as a group, Larsen Feiten Band definitely earned that distinction. But what they didn't do was anything at all to earn the everlasting hatred of Glen Campbell. And that's why "Glen Campbell" is the correct answer to the question, "Who'll be the fool tonight?"

"Love for Sale" by Mieko Hirota

"Love for Sale" by Mieko Hirota

Let's face it. Captain Stubing was the Pimp of the Seven Seas. And what "The Love Boat" needed was a disco-ish theme song about what was really going on the Toledo deck. "Love for Sale" is just such a song.

Stubba-dubba-duppa-duppa-dow!

"Ariel" by Dean Friedman

"Ariel" by Dean Friedman

Have you ever wondered what it would sound like if, through a freak accident involving nuclear waste and an overturned sugar beet truck, Ben Folds, John Linnell, and Weird Al Yankovic inhabited the same body? Me too.

Wonder no more.

"Generals and Majors" by XTC

"Generals and Majors" by XTC

Who doesn't love a cheerful, peppy anti-war song? Well, probably generals and majors don't.