54. There's No Other Way to Go

54. "Simply Irresistible" by Robert Palmer

When I hear this song, I don't think of the blank-faced lipsticked models in the music video. I think of my wife. Really. I'm not even lying a little bit. This song came out during the summer I was engaged to Julie, and I did, in fact, find her simply irresistible.





Palmer's use of stoic-faced gyrating women in ruby-red lipstick made quite an impression on both the general public and the only Mormon celebrity on TV at the time (besides Ray Combs*).





The overt sexuality of the video made reverse parodies of it inevitable.





And Pepsi advertising execs couldn't help themselves from using these sexually suggestive images of women in swimsuits to hawk a beverage so cheap it's sold in an aluminum can. Really! Who does that?! (Warning! The following video contains suggestive winking and lip pursing.)



And if you want to waste a couple weeks of your life, just google "Simply Irresistible Parody" and watch thousands of people that think they are being exceptionally clever by spoofing the video. (They aren't.) The level of online ridiculousness surrounding this song is truly astounding.

And yet, I still like this song. Because it reminds me of my wife. And I love my wife. So much that I still find her simply irresistible. Especially when she's wearing a swimsuit and ruby-red lipstick and dancing and gyrating suggestively with a pop can in her hand while she winks and purses her lips at me.

Damn! I'm thirsty!

-----

*In 1996, Ray hung himself with bedsheets while being involuntarily committed to a mental hospital, so his Mormon celebrity status has diminished somewhat since that event. In his defense, he probably could have come up with a better way to kill himself if he hadn't been in lockdown. It's hard to be creative with your suicide when the only tools you've got available to you are bedsheets. Death by hanging is pretty much your only option. Inexplicably, Marie Osmond has not yet committed suicide, so her Mormon celebrity status is still rock-solid. For now. I believe her status will take a nosedive when the county coroner reveals that for the past ten years she's been purposefully poisoning herself with Nutrisystem red velvet whoopie pie (yes, that's an actual thing).

55. A 40-Second Accident

55. "Super Freak" by Rick James

It's funky! It's sexistesty! It's Supery! It's Freaky!



The part of this song that I love to sing the most is the "Blow Danny" command at the very end of the song. This cues a sax solo by yet another invisible saxophonist.

This is one of the most sampled songs in all of music history, and Rick James happens to be one of the most sampled artists. It's also been covered by several famous musicians, including...

Bruce Hornsby and Ricky Skaggs!



And the song has been included in many a movie soundtrack. My favorite use of the song was in "Little Miss Sunshine." Here's the gist. The girl has been coached by her grandfather in how to dance for the Little Miss Sunshine beauty contest. No one paid any attention to what the grandfather was doing, so when the girl starts dancing to "Super Freak," it's a shock to her entire family. The grandfather is dead at this point in the movie, so that's why you don't see him in the clip below. The contest organizers try to stop her from dancing, but the family intervenes and joins the girl in what may be Steve Carell's finest dance sequence ever.



Of course, the most famous sampling of this particular song has to be "You Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer.




But while MC Hammer only sings "You can't touch this," Rick James says it and he means it!



He's super freaking out!

Temptations sing!

56. I Love Your Hat!

56. "Brick House" by The Commodores.

It's funky! It's sexisty! It's Bricky! It's Housey!




Can I possibly resist making a comment about German's and their love of big glasses, red capes, and solid gold shoulder pads?

Apparently not.

Until I saw this video, I had no idea that Lionel Richie could play the saxophone. But I bet he couldn't do it while dancin' on the ceilin'! Because all the spit would run back into the mouthpiece, and he'd drown on his own saliva.

Whenever this song comes on the radio, I feel a slight pang of guilt for singing along, as the song promotes an unrealistic body image of women. Because for me, the perfect woman isn't 36-24-36. No, no, no. The perfect woman is the one who is the exact same shape and size of 1981 Marie Osmond.




Hey, Marie! Let's go down to the disco! Disco! Disco! Let's go down to the disco! Disco! Let's go!

Anyway, for me, it doesn't matter what size a woman's body is. What matters is the size of the clothes she wears. And I don't mean tight clothes. I mean big clothes. Really big clothes.


Ideally, a woman's clothes are so big she can still wear them 30 years later.

http://people.com/celebrity/marie-osmond-remarries-her-first-husband/

Bully for you, Marie! You found a dress big enough to cover a brick house, and you got married in it! Twice!

Shake it down, shake it down, shake it down now!

58. Smoochy-smooch!

58. "Kiss" by Prince

While I cannot deny the fact that Tom Jones' version of "Kiss" is more enjoyable to listen to than Prince's original version, I get a bigger kick out of trying to sing the falsetto lyrics of Prince's song. I especially enjoy trying to scream at the end. It's fun.

However, I don't like Prince's video for the song at all. Apparently, the most shirt Prince could afford at the time was half a shirt. And like Rod Stewart, Prince is much too willing to show us his butt. So what I've done here is I've set up an alternative video to watch below while you listen to Prince's version of "Kiss."

Step 01. Hit the play button on Prince's video until you get to the 0:02 second mark. Then click stop.




Step 02. Go down to the Kiss video below and hit play but immediately pause it. Then click the mute button on the sound. The time should read 0:00.

Step 03. Hit the play button on the "Kiss" video above and immediately scroll down to the Kiss video below. Hit the play button as soon as you hear the "Kiss" music start. Then watch the Kiss video below, not the "Kiss" video above. I've put plenty of empty space below the Kiss video so you can scroll down to the point where the "Kiss" video can't be seen at all. You're welcome.

57. Benjamin Grimm

57. "You Sexy Thing" by Hot Chocolate

It's funky. It's scratchy. It's bongosy. It's sexy. It's thingy. It's Hot Chocolatey!

59. 8

59. "Need You Tonight/Mediate" by INXS

For the song "Need You Tonight/Mediate," INXS produced the greatest rock n' roll video to ever use (a) flashcards with words ending in the sound "-ate / -eight / -eat / -ait / -aite / -ete" and (b) dumptrucks.

But that's not the reason I like this song. Well, I guess it's one reason. But it's not the ONLY reason. I like this song mainly because it reminds me of the time when I was dating Julie at Ricks. There was nothing better than driving down the road to the Grand Teton National Park in the black step-side Chevy pickup with Julie sitting next to me. She was one of my kind!

Most of the time, you'll hear "Need You Tonight" without "Mediate." And sometimes you'll hear "Need You Tonight" followed by "Mediate." But you'll never hear "Mediate" on its own. That's why it's a mystery to me why INXS would separate "Mediate" from "Need You Tonight" on it's own YouTube channel. I guess you'll just have to hit the play button on the second video when the first one stops.




Why did they dissociate "Mediate?" Ugh! Don't separate! That makes me irate! Together their great! I hate to berate or objurgate or vituperate, but it's not deadweight, so don't devaluate or isolate or bifurcate or amputate or obliterate or annihilate the first song's mate! "Mediate" should integrate and conjugate and culminate with lyrics that illuminate, not indoctrinate or pontificate or explicate why I have to rehydrate after I urinate or defecate, otherwise I'll ulcerate or constipate or flatulate, which can irritate or asphyxiate, so ventilate at a rapid rate, or you'll suffocate.

Burt.

60. McDaniels Song

60. "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy" by Rod Stewart

At times there is great shame in honestly admitting one's musical likes and dislikes. This is one of those times.

It's crass.

It's vulgar.

It's disco.

Yet I can't help myself when this song comes on the radio. The volume goes up, and I sing it with gusto. But why?! What the hell happened to me?!

It's got to be that one memory the song triggers whenever I hear it.

I'm 12. It's dark. It's winter. I'm riding in the car in that spot on Hawkins road just past the Burmester's house but not quite to the McDaniel's road turnoff. "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy" starts playing on the radio. Renda has to be driving, because Mom wouldn't have let it play. And play it does. And we take the McDaniels road turnoff. This is the sound of 1978.



In case you missed them, here are the most notable parts of the above video for this song. Remember, this represents the apex of music video for 1978. It never really got better than this.

0:01 Sugar.
0:03 Sugar.
0:05 Is that a gong?! Why is that there? There's no gong in this song!
0:07 Closeup of the ghostly visage of Rod Stewart's eyes.
0:11 Who is this ghost woman?
0:19 The hook! A 70s synthesizer sound like no other!
0:27 Everybody's talkin' bout my tight pants. I got my tight pants. I got my tight pants on!
0:29 Is that Steven Wright on the guitar?
0:35 Handlebar mustache!
0:36 We're #1!
0:39 Who watches that small of a TV at a bar? Bar's are supposed to have big TVs! Even in the 70s!
0:42 What is she looking at? Hello! I'm up here!
0:43 Mouth twitching is a lost art!
0:45 Handlebar mustache!
0:47 That straw doesn't have a flexible accordion bendy part. I like the accordion.
0:48 Nostril flaring is a lost art!
0:51 Wait! Rod Stewart is at a bar watching himself sing on TV?! I wonder who he's really in love with.
1:03 He really dodged a bullet there!
1:05 Why are the guitarists singing into the microphone? Rod's the only voice on this song!
1:08 Handlebar mustache!
1:09 Drumstick twirl!
1:23 Staring contest at the bar. Rod blinks first.
1:27 The straw goes from her lips to her hand. Where's the drink?
1:29 The dress is magical!
1:31 What the hell is she looking at down there?!
1:38 Where did her straw go?! Why did her dress change back?!
1:43 They're leaving the bar because the Rod Stewart TV show wasn't entertaining enough to stick around to watch the end.
1:52 Handlebar mustache!
1:53 Hide and seek behind guitar necks. Clever hiding spot. No one will ever look there.
2:01 Handlebar mustache!
2:03 Beer bottle by the keyboard. He's drinking on the job.
2:09 Doh! The guitarist's big fat head is blocking my view of the handlebar mustache!
2:11 Why is Rod hiding his mouth? Did he forget the lyrics?
2:13 Wait! They went home to watch the Rod Stewart TV show on the exact same size television? This makes no sense!
2:17 Rod really likes watching himself on TV! He's got a girl in his bed, and he's watching TV instead of...
2:19 Okay, he finally went in for a kiss.
2:25 Take a seat, Rod. Let the saxophonist take over from here.
2:27 Where's the guy playing the saxophone?
2:31 Why is the guitarist bopping up and down? Is someone shooting at him?
2:33 Handlebar mustache!
2:35 Such subtle innuendo in the choreography. I don't get it Rod. What are you trying to say?
2:41 Really? There's four guitarists but not a single saxophone player?
2:45 Handlebar mustache!
2:51 Drumstick twirl!
2:53 Handlebar mustache!
2:59 It's dawn and Rod's asleep, but the same TV show is still on.
3:07 Give yourself a hug, Rod. You deserve it!
3:09 Oh! Nice wristwatch!
3:19 He stops kissing her to watch himself on TV again.
3:31 Is that guitarist in back wearing a black beret? Is this French TV? Because that would explain a lot.
3:41 Apparently, the invisible saxophonist has not yet finished his work.
3:47 Why is Rod's ghostly visage watching the back of his own head?
3:58 Lip pursing is a lost art!
4:01 Yes, Rod, we see your ass. Everybody's talkin' bout your tight pants.
4:09 Again, what is so fascinating about the back of Rod's head?
4:11 Is he playing peek-a-boo with me?
4:15 He IS playing peek-a-boo with me!
4:17 Handlebar mustache!
4:27 Might as well jump.
4:31 Will he ever come down?
4:34 After conquering gravity, Rod fades into darkness. Or are we seeing a closeup of his tight pants again?
4:37 Nope. It's over.