54. There's No Other Way to Go

54. "Simply Irresistible" by Robert Palmer

When I hear this song, I don't think of the blank-faced lipsticked models in the music video. I think of my wife. Really. I'm not even lying a little bit. This song came out during the summer I was engaged to Julie, and I did, in fact, find her simply irresistible.





Palmer's use of stoic-faced gyrating women in ruby-red lipstick made quite an impression on both the general public and the only Mormon celebrity on TV at the time (besides Ray Combs*).





The overt sexuality of the video made reverse parodies of it inevitable.





And Pepsi advertising execs couldn't help themselves from using these sexually suggestive images of women in swimsuits to hawk a beverage so cheap it's sold in an aluminum can. Really! Who does that?! (Warning! The following video contains suggestive winking and lip pursing.)



And if you want to waste a couple weeks of your life, just google "Simply Irresistible Parody" and watch thousands of people that think they are being exceptionally clever by spoofing the video. (They aren't.) The level of online ridiculousness surrounding this song is truly astounding.

And yet, I still like this song. Because it reminds me of my wife. And I love my wife. So much that I still find her simply irresistible. Especially when she's wearing a swimsuit and ruby-red lipstick and dancing and gyrating suggestively with a pop can in her hand while she winks and purses her lips at me.

Damn! I'm thirsty!

-----

*In 1996, Ray hung himself with bedsheets while being involuntarily committed to a mental hospital, so his Mormon celebrity status has diminished somewhat since that event. In his defense, he probably could have come up with a better way to kill himself if he hadn't been in lockdown. It's hard to be creative with your suicide when the only tools you've got available to you are bedsheets. Death by hanging is pretty much your only option. Inexplicably, Marie Osmond has not yet committed suicide, so her Mormon celebrity status is still rock-solid. For now. I believe her status will take a nosedive when the county coroner reveals that for the past ten years she's been purposefully poisoning herself with Nutrisystem red velvet whoopie pie (yes, that's an actual thing).

55. A 40-Second Accident

55. "Super Freak" by Rick James

It's funky! It's sexistesty! It's Supery! It's Freaky!



The part of this song that I love to sing the most is the "Blow Danny" command at the very end of the song. This cues a sax solo by yet another invisible saxophonist.

This is one of the most sampled songs in all of music history, and Rick James happens to be one of the most sampled artists. It's also been covered by several famous musicians, including...

Bruce Hornsby and Ricky Skaggs!



And the song has been included in many a movie soundtrack. My favorite use of the song was in "Little Miss Sunshine." Here's the gist. The girl has been coached by her grandfather in how to dance for the Little Miss Sunshine beauty contest. No one paid any attention to what the grandfather was doing, so when the girl starts dancing to "Super Freak," it's a shock to her entire family. The grandfather is dead at this point in the movie, so that's why you don't see him in the clip below. The contest organizers try to stop her from dancing, but the family intervenes and joins the girl in what may be Steve Carell's finest dance sequence ever.



Of course, the most famous sampling of this particular song has to be "You Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer.




But while MC Hammer only sings "You can't touch this," Rick James says it and he means it!



He's super freaking out!

Temptations sing!

56. I Love Your Hat!

56. "Brick House" by The Commodores.

It's funky! It's sexisty! It's Bricky! It's Housey!




Can I possibly resist making a comment about German's and their love of big glasses, red capes, and solid gold shoulder pads?

Apparently not.

Until I saw this video, I had no idea that Lionel Richie could play the saxophone. But I bet he couldn't do it while dancin' on the ceilin'! Because all the spit would run back into the mouthpiece, and he'd drown on his own saliva.

Whenever this song comes on the radio, I feel a slight pang of guilt for singing along, as the song promotes an unrealistic body image of women. Because for me, the perfect woman isn't 36-24-36. No, no, no. The perfect woman is the one who is the exact same shape and size of 1981 Marie Osmond.




Hey, Marie! Let's go down to the disco! Disco! Disco! Let's go down to the disco! Disco! Let's go!

Anyway, for me, it doesn't matter what size a woman's body is. What matters is the size of the clothes she wears. And I don't mean tight clothes. I mean big clothes. Really big clothes.


Ideally, a woman's clothes are so big she can still wear them 30 years later.

http://people.com/celebrity/marie-osmond-remarries-her-first-husband/

Bully for you, Marie! You found a dress big enough to cover a brick house, and you got married in it! Twice!

Shake it down, shake it down, shake it down now!

58. Smoochy-smooch!

58. "Kiss" by Prince

While I cannot deny the fact that Tom Jones' version of "Kiss" is more enjoyable to listen to than Prince's original version, I get a bigger kick out of trying to sing the falsetto lyrics of Prince's song. I especially enjoy trying to scream at the end. It's fun.

However, I don't like Prince's video for the song at all. Apparently, the most shirt Prince could afford at the time was half a shirt. And like Rod Stewart, Prince is much too willing to show us his butt. So what I've done here is I've set up an alternative video to watch below while you listen to Prince's version of "Kiss."

Step 01. Hit the play button on Prince's video until you get to the 0:02 second mark. Then click stop.




Step 02. Go down to the Kiss video below and hit play but immediately pause it. Then click the mute button on the sound. The time should read 0:00.

Step 03. Hit the play button on the "Kiss" video above and immediately scroll down to the Kiss video below. Hit the play button as soon as you hear the "Kiss" music start. Then watch the Kiss video below, not the "Kiss" video above. I've put plenty of empty space below the Kiss video so you can scroll down to the point where the "Kiss" video can't be seen at all. You're welcome.

57. Benjamin Grimm

57. "You Sexy Thing" by Hot Chocolate

It's funky. It's scratchy. It's bongosy. It's sexy. It's thingy. It's Hot Chocolatey!

59. 8

59. "Need You Tonight/Mediate" by INXS

For the song "Need You Tonight/Mediate," INXS produced the greatest rock n' roll video to ever use (a) flashcards with words ending in the sound "-ate / -eight / -eat / -ait / -aite / -ete" and (b) dumptrucks.

But that's not the reason I like this song. Well, I guess it's one reason. But it's not the ONLY reason. I like this song mainly because it reminds me of the time when I was dating Julie at Ricks. There was nothing better than driving down the road to the Grand Teton National Park in the black step-side Chevy pickup with Julie sitting next to me. She was one of my kind!

Most of the time, you'll hear "Need You Tonight" without "Mediate." And sometimes you'll hear "Need You Tonight" followed by "Mediate." But you'll never hear "Mediate" on its own. That's why it's a mystery to me why INXS would separate "Mediate" from "Need You Tonight" on it's own YouTube channel. I guess you'll just have to hit the play button on the second video when the first one stops.




Why did they dissociate "Mediate?" Ugh! Don't separate! That makes me irate! Together their great! I hate to berate or objurgate or vituperate, but it's not deadweight, so don't devaluate or isolate or bifurcate or amputate or obliterate or annihilate the first song's mate! "Mediate" should integrate and conjugate and culminate with lyrics that illuminate, not indoctrinate or pontificate or explicate why I have to rehydrate after I urinate or defecate, otherwise I'll ulcerate or constipate or flatulate, which can irritate or asphyxiate, so ventilate at a rapid rate, or you'll suffocate.

Burt.

60. McDaniels Song

60. "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy" by Rod Stewart

At times there is great shame in honestly admitting one's musical likes and dislikes. This is one of those times.

It's crass.

It's vulgar.

It's disco.

Yet I can't help myself when this song comes on the radio. The volume goes up, and I sing it with gusto. But why?! What the hell happened to me?!

It's got to be that one memory the song triggers whenever I hear it.

I'm 12. It's dark. It's winter. I'm riding in the car in that spot on Hawkins road just past the Burmester's house but not quite to the McDaniel's road turnoff. "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy" starts playing on the radio. Renda has to be driving, because Mom wouldn't have let it play. And play it does. And we take the McDaniels road turnoff. This is the sound of 1978.



In case you missed them, here are the most notable parts of the above video for this song. Remember, this represents the apex of music video for 1978. It never really got better than this.

0:01 Sugar.
0:03 Sugar.
0:05 Is that a gong?! Why is that there? There's no gong in this song!
0:07 Closeup of the ghostly visage of Rod Stewart's eyes.
0:11 Who is this ghost woman?
0:19 The hook! A 70s synthesizer sound like no other!
0:27 Everybody's talkin' bout my tight pants. I got my tight pants. I got my tight pants on!
0:29 Is that Steven Wright on the guitar?
0:35 Handlebar mustache!
0:36 We're #1!
0:39 Who watches that small of a TV at a bar? Bar's are supposed to have big TVs! Even in the 70s!
0:42 What is she looking at? Hello! I'm up here!
0:43 Mouth twitching is a lost art!
0:45 Handlebar mustache!
0:47 That straw doesn't have a flexible accordion bendy part. I like the accordion.
0:48 Nostril flaring is a lost art!
0:51 Wait! Rod Stewart is at a bar watching himself sing on TV?! I wonder who he's really in love with.
1:03 He really dodged a bullet there!
1:05 Why are the guitarists singing into the microphone? Rod's the only voice on this song!
1:08 Handlebar mustache!
1:09 Drumstick twirl!
1:23 Staring contest at the bar. Rod blinks first.
1:27 The straw goes from her lips to her hand. Where's the drink?
1:29 The dress is magical!
1:31 What the hell is she looking at down there?!
1:38 Where did her straw go?! Why did her dress change back?!
1:43 They're leaving the bar because the Rod Stewart TV show wasn't entertaining enough to stick around to watch the end.
1:52 Handlebar mustache!
1:53 Hide and seek behind guitar necks. Clever hiding spot. No one will ever look there.
2:01 Handlebar mustache!
2:03 Beer bottle by the keyboard. He's drinking on the job.
2:09 Doh! The guitarist's big fat head is blocking my view of the handlebar mustache!
2:11 Why is Rod hiding his mouth? Did he forget the lyrics?
2:13 Wait! They went home to watch the Rod Stewart TV show on the exact same size television? This makes no sense!
2:17 Rod really likes watching himself on TV! He's got a girl in his bed, and he's watching TV instead of...
2:19 Okay, he finally went in for a kiss.
2:25 Take a seat, Rod. Let the saxophonist take over from here.
2:27 Where's the guy playing the saxophone?
2:31 Why is the guitarist bopping up and down? Is someone shooting at him?
2:33 Handlebar mustache!
2:35 Such subtle innuendo in the choreography. I don't get it Rod. What are you trying to say?
2:41 Really? There's four guitarists but not a single saxophone player?
2:45 Handlebar mustache!
2:51 Drumstick twirl!
2:53 Handlebar mustache!
2:59 It's dawn and Rod's asleep, but the same TV show is still on.
3:07 Give yourself a hug, Rod. You deserve it!
3:09 Oh! Nice wristwatch!
3:19 He stops kissing her to watch himself on TV again.
3:31 Is that guitarist in back wearing a black beret? Is this French TV? Because that would explain a lot.
3:41 Apparently, the invisible saxophonist has not yet finished his work.
3:47 Why is Rod's ghostly visage watching the back of his own head?
3:58 Lip pursing is a lost art!
4:01 Yes, Rod, we see your ass. Everybody's talkin' bout your tight pants.
4:09 Again, what is so fascinating about the back of Rod's head?
4:11 Is he playing peek-a-boo with me?
4:15 He IS playing peek-a-boo with me!
4:17 Handlebar mustache!
4:27 Might as well jump.
4:31 Will he ever come down?
4:34 After conquering gravity, Rod fades into darkness. Or are we seeing a closeup of his tight pants again?
4:37 Nope. It's over.

61. Froplay

61. "Foreplay/Long Time" by Boston

"Foreplay" and "Long Time"--three words rarely heard in the same sentence, much less right next to each other. When they are heard together, it's usually in the form of a request, not a statement of fact. That's what I imagine, anyway. I've never heard those words uttered by anyone other than DJs on the radio. You would think that anyone who would use three words as the title to a song would have an overblown ego and fancy themselves as the world's greatest lover.

But you'd be wrong. It turns out Tom Scholz is a pretty down-to-earth guy--at least for a guitar hero/keyboard hero/engineer. That's according to the NPR/NOVA folks that put together this exposé on "The Secret Life of Scientists & Engineers." (Shhhh! Don't tell anyone I'm a rock star! I don't want the word to get out or my career as a scientist and/or engineer will be ruined!)



While Tom Scholz is an amazing composer, musician, and engineer, he stinks as a marketer. I imagine that most men, if they could buy a pedal that would sustain the sounds of "Foreplay" indefinitely, they'd pay pretty much any price for it. And they'd probably want two or three of them.

Of course, the way that pedal would sustain the sounds in a highly controlled studio setting wouldn't necessarily be the way it would work live. And it's the live performance that would really matter with this particular pedal. It's kind of like the difference between hearing a song on a record played on the home stereo and hearing that same song played live. Sometimes the songs sound better and are a lot more exciting when played live--like every Billy Joel song at every Billy Joel concert I've attended. But sometimes the live performance sounds a lot worse.



While Brad Delp's singing in the video above is pretty bad compared to the recorded version, I have to admit that the record could never convey the sheer magnificence of the drummer's fro! It is a fro for the ages! Surpassed in fro-glory only by that of Billy Preston's peerless head of hair.

Sib Hashian--Secret love child of Gabe Kaplan and Billy Preston?

I once had a bubble-gum card with this man on it. I was going for a full set of Sweathogs cards, but Bill's store stopped carrying them. Damn you, Bill! Fortune and glory could have been mine if it weren't for the vagaries of your candy shelf!

Billy Preston--a fro so big it can't all fit in one picture.

All hair aside, I think Boston's 1970s-ish live stage show is a bit disappointing. You're Boston, dammit! Get a SPACESHIP up on stage for crying out loud! Guess I'll have to go to an ELO concert to get my spaceship fix.

In the interest of fairness, I have to revisit the topic of Tom Scholz's character. The NPR/NOVA interview makes him come off looking like a saint. But if you look at all the lawsuits brought by and against Tom and his Boston bandmates, including one by Sib Hashian, you'd think Tom's a real douchebag. In fact, he sued (and lost) Brad Delp's widow for defamation when in a Boston Herald interview she blamed Brad's 2007 suicide on the stress brought on by conflict with Scholz. You've got to have a shriveled heart to go after the widow of a guy that helped make you a multi-millionaire before he offed himself. That's a pretty damn cold way to treat the family of a former bandmate, regardless of how many times Delp's voice failed to hit the right notes during their live performances.

Interesting Sib sidebar #1--Sib's daughter, Lauren, is Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's girlfriend, and they had a daughter together. The girl is 1/4th Sib. The other 3/4ths is an inseparable mixture of baked halibut and steroids.

Interesting Sib sidebar #2--Sib died while playing the drums this year (March 22, 2017) on a legends-of-rock cruise ship tour--a very Spinal Tappy way for a drummer to go.

Anyway, you must be wondering why this song is on my list. It's because I distinctly remember hearing this song after my mission as I came out of the Pocatello welcome-to-downtown-from-under-the-railroad tunnel and drove past the First National Bar, which was partly owned by our old psychology professor, Coke Brown (talk about your freaky hairdos!). I hadn't heard "Foreplay/Long Time" for...well...a long time, what with the mission thing lasting over two years followed by a year of studying at Ricks that involved very little listening to rock stations on the radio. The next day I went to Budget Tapes and Records and asked if they had a tape of Boston's first album--which was conveniently titled "Boston"--with that song on it. They didn't. They just had "Third Stage," which I already had. Apparently, the owners of Budget Tapes and Records were the ones on a strict budget. They couldn't even afford to have a single copy of all of Boston's albums for sale at the same time. But I did find an RTZ (Return to Zero) tape featuring Brad Delp as lead singer, so I bought that instead. It wasn't as good as a Boston album, but it sounded enough like Boston to make me satisfied I hadn't been completely ripped off.

Why my brain has chosen to remember a First National Bar driveby and that tape purchase over so many other things I've done in life is a mystery to me. Yet that's what pops into my head every time this song is played. And for some inexplicable reason, I like that memory--in much the same way as I like Sib and Billy's bearded fros and Gabe's mustache. It's all weird, but kind of tickley-fun.

62. On My Case

62. "Watching the Wheels" by John Lennon

In high school, this was one of my favorite anti-seminary songs. It wasn't that I didn't like seminary. I mean, the building did have a foozball table, so it wasn't all bad. But there were times in class when I wondered why most of the adults in church that were constantly preaching at us always assumed the worst about us teenagers. Yeah, we weren't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but we weren't evil either. That's right, Mr. out-of-town fireside speaker--Billy Joel songs are NOT evil!

As a farm boy that spent a good portion of his summer driving a big orange-red tractor, I also enjoyed hearing this song on the radio and singing along with the lines "I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round. I really love to watch them roll." In fact, I did like to watch them roll. And it's a good thing I did. Because if I hadn't learned to love watching tractor wheels roll for 16-hours a day, I would have lost my damn mind!

Also, as a fan of unintentional fart references in song lyrics, "I just had to let it go" is a pure musical gift--especially when that line comes after the high-pitched singing of "No longer riding on the merry-go-ra-HOUND!" It's kind of like you're riding the merry-go-round, and the centrifugal force makes you yoko your pants, and there's nothing you can do about it. You just had toooOOOOO let it go-ohhh-oh-oh-ohhh-OH-ohhhh.

63. Wizard of Iz

63. "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwoʻole

If there's any song that's been covered more than "What a Wonderful World," it would have to be "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." The song really belongs to Judy Garland. And say what you will about Judy's singing, it just seems to be a perfect fit for this song.



As good as Judy's version is, my favorite recording of this song is by Iz. I heard it the first time on a television commercial by Apple computer that was hawking some whoop-de-doo computery thing-a-ma-jig dreamt up by Steven Wright.

Or was it Steven Jobs? I get the two confused.

Anyway, I like Iz's version best because of its simplicity. It's Iz and a uke. That's all. And I think that if there really is a place somewhere over the rainbow, it's a simple place where people enjoy simple things, like rainbows and bluebirds and lemon drops and chimney tops (but not chimney bottoms). And it probably looks like Hawaii.

64. Eagle Scat

64. "What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong

Yes, it's cheesy. Yes, it's been covered by innumerable artists. Yes, it's overplayed in funeral videos. But Louis is one of my trumpet jazz heroes, and I can't not include him in my top-200 list.

What? You say he's not playing the trumpet in this song?! Well, that's how good he was on the trumpet--he didn't even have to play it to make a hit record! He just had to hold it while he sang.



I've got lots of great musicians on my top-200 list. But none of them approach Louis' genius or his impact on musical history. It's hard to overstate his importance to jazz music, or all music for that matter, but here's the Biography Channel's attempt at doing so.



In my youth, we had a Louis Armstrong record at home that had "Ain't Misbehavin'" on it. I thought the lyrics and Louis' singing made for a funny combo. I played it so many times that I memorized most of the lyrics, including the little scats. (I wasn't a talented enough trumpet player to memorize his trumpet solo.) There was lots more scatting on other songs on the record, so I would sometimes entertain myself while milking the cows by scatting in a Satchmo voice. I think the cows liked it.



During the beginning of my junior year in high school, after one victorious game, the seniors on the football team--many of which were MarVals--were sitting in the back of the bus and singing "This Little Light of Mine." (They didn't sing if we lost.) Now, I didn't like the MarVals. Many of them seemed to think they were the elite music group in the school, and completely dismissed the idea that the band might be better at playing music than they were at singing it. So in an attempt to ruin their song, I started scatting in between the lines. But instead of making them mad and ruining the song for them, like I had sincerely hoped to do, they liked my Louis-style scatting so much that they made me do it over and over. And that's how I ended up scatting like Satchmo to "This Little Light of Mine" in front of the entire student body out on the football field during a pep rally.

Zut-n-zah-zahhh bo-dit-n-do dozee-dozee zo-zahhhh!

65. Send me up a drink!

65. "Major Tom" by Peter Schilling

One of the perks of living in the basement hallway my senior year in high school was that I had pretty much full control over the downstairs stereo. So I placed the two speakers on both sides of my bed so that I could listen to records and FM stations while laying in my bed at night with the lights off. This song is one that I distinctly remember hearing while lying in my stereophonic bed. It was especially exciting to hear one of the special versions of this song that would rarely get air time. There was dance club extended version that went on for over 8 minutes, and there was this German version that let me not only enjoy the music but also triggered pleasurable memories of sitting next to Tammy Baker in German class. Achtung Baby!




It was only after I developed a liking to this song that the David Bowie "Major Tom" also became a favorite song. It also made me like Elton John's "Rocket Man" a little more. Having been a fan of the original Star Trek series and the Star Trek cartoons, there was no way I could resist the driving bass notes of this outer space rock 'n roll. And apparently, I'm not the only one. Hundreds have covered this song over the last 30+ years. Among the best of the worst of these are...

Plastic Bertrand (French Version)




Jay del Alma featuring Peter Shilling (Spanish Version)



Jonas Warnerbring (Swedish version)




Shiny Toy Guns (Shameless commercial sellout version)



William Shatner (What the HELL?! version)



The Space Lady (Slightly saner than Shatner version)

66. Wear the funky, funky eyepatch

66. "Space Oddity" by David Bowie

In revealing the title of number 66 on the list, I'm guessing that you're guessing what number 65 will be. The two go hand-in-hand for me. When I hear one, I think of the other. But honestly, without number 65, I probably wouldn't have ever developed an affinity for this song during my teenage years. That's because back then 1970s David Bowie was too weird for me. I much preferred 1980s David Bowie. However, when I watch the video below, I realize that I kind of like 1970s David Bowie better now.




Hey, kids! Do you like songs about astronauts that get so freaked out on protein pills that they leave their wives back on Earth to go on a never-ending suicidal space walk into to a cold, dark infinity? Me too!



I suppose part of the reason this song has become so popular is because of people in my generation grew up during the heyday of the U.S. space program. I was a little over three years old when Neal Armstrong set foot on the moon, and I have a memory of being a young boy outside looking up at the moon and thinking that everybody was telling me there was a man on it, but I couldn't see him. Not even if I squinted. Back then, I thought all astronauts did was zoom around on rockets while they drank tang.

Mmmmm.... Tang.....

Of course, now as an adult, I have a much more sophisticated view of what life would be like as an astronaut. I think it would have to look a little something like this.

67. Easy Money

67. "Two Tickets to Paradise" by Eddie Money

You've got to know that you've done something terribly wrong with your rock n' roll music career when your Wikipedia entry begins with the sentence, "Not to be confused with Eddie Mooney."

And out of all the terribly wrong somethings that Eddie Money did during the 70s and 80s--and plenty of them have been documented in court--I think it's pretty obvious which something is the terribly wrongest. No, it's not all the drugs. No, it's not all the sex. No, it's not even the violence, including the well-known fact that Eddie Money wants to punch Kenny Loggins. (Get in line, Eddie!) The wrongest of the terribly wrongs is that even with all his massive amounts of money--and he must have had a lot of it to change his last name from Mahoney (not Mooney!) to Money--even with all that cash stuffed into his rumpled suit-coat pockets, we will never see anyone in our entire lives that is in a more constant and desperate need of a haircut.

Hey! Do you like sprinting through crowds in your bomber jacket and showing off your hard-won tambourine trophy? Well, so does Eddie! Twirl it again, Eddie! Twirl it again!

You know, after watching that video, it occurs to me that Eddie Money looks a lot like goat boy, except that goat boy has a better haircut. 

Having read such derogatory musings on the state of Eddie Money's unprepossessing mop, you're probably wondering why "Two Tickets to Paradise" is so high on top 200 list. Truth be told, it wasn't always in my top 200. In fact, if I'd written this list ten years ago, it wouldn't have even placed on the list. But right after Julie and I celebrated our 25th anniversary with a trip to the Oregon coast, we decided that we'd celebrate our 30th anniversary by going to the Virgin Islands. Shortly after making that decision, I heard this song on the radio, and it catapulted from no-chart status to well past the top-100-song mark. Now whenever I hear the galloping intro for this song, I envision sandy beaches and palm trees and ocean sunsets. And I get really excited to take Julie on a trip so far from here! We are going to have so much fun together exploring Saint John! We might check out some of the other islands, but we've decided Saint John will be where we spend the majority of our time. Why? Because 75% of the island is protected as part of the Virgin Islands State Park. And since we're old now, we really like exploring parks with cool trees and lots of wildlife. The only thing that I can think would be more fun to do on a vacation would be to punch Kenny Loggins.

It's about a year away now, so we haven't yet started making any serious preparations for the trip. But I do know one thing I'm going to make absolutely sure I do before we leave for paradise--get a damn good haircut!

68. We'll frolic and play the Eskimo way

68. "Ridin' the Storm Out" by REO Speedwagon

Sometimes a song takes on a special meaning in our head that is quite different from the original meaning intended by the singer/songwriter. Such is the case with Ridin' the Storm Out. It's original meaning had something to do with the band being stuck in a bar during a Colorado blizzard.

But what goes through my conscious mind when I hear this song are thoughts about hunkering down during a cold and stormy part of a relationship with someone you love--a storm that's so strong you don't know if you'll survive it--and then in the middle of storm you realize that the other person is also hunkering down and desperately hoping for a break in the storm, so you somehow find a way to ride out the storm together.



Of course, what my subconscious mind is most likely processing during this song are memories of waiting out Friday night snowstorms in the cabin at the Big Onion. The key to surviving those cold nights was to make sure you've got plenty of split pine logs to shove into cast iron stove all night long. Then on Saturday morning, after the storm has passed, you stuffed a hot breakfast down your gullet before hopping on the black Artic Cat (or was it the white Yamaha?) and blasting your way through the deep, fresh powder as you tried to keep up with Sheldon for the next six hours.

Yeah. Now that I think about it, the guitar solos in this song are a pretty good musical representation of Scapell on a snowmobile.

69. The politics of dancing

69. "Beds Are Burning" by Midnight Oil

A fact's a fact.

45 degrees Celsius is 113 degrees Fahrenheit. Fact.

In Australia, the Western Desert is in Western Australia. And South Australia. And the Northern Territory. Fact.

The earth is turning. Fact.

Cockatoos have been known to associate with people acquitted of murder charges. Fact.

Some Utahan's don't care enough about Australian politics to sit through an entire Midnight Oil concert, and will instead opt to leave the show as soon as "Beds Are Burning" is over. Fact.

Midnight Oil is the only rock concert I've attended where I sat next to my wife. Fact.

Peter Garrett is not Ernie Garrett's doppelganger. Almost fact. They dance the same.

Right now you are imagining Ernie Garrett dancing like Peter Garrett. Fact.



There aren't enough trombone slides in rock songs. Fact.

In some rock songs, it's impossible to be absolutely 100% sure that the drummer is banging on a cowbell, not a woodblock. Fact.

"Beds Are Burning" has a hell of a lot in common with the "Peter Gunn Theme." Fact.






Try this for some bonus fun with video. Turn off the volume on the top video. Then hit the play button on the bottom video. Then exactly two seconds later, hit the play button on the top video. Then watch the top video and wait for the cowbell/woodblock sound to kick in. You'll be glad you did. Fact.

70. Don't fall in love with a dreamer

70. "Talking in Your Sleep" by The Romantics

This is a song I loved to play at school dances, and it topped the charts just about the time I got my second rejection slip, so it's tied to all those strong feelings of teenage desire and dejection. I also liked it because I remember having the most vivid dreams around that time, and I was always trying to figure out what in the hell they meant. I remember some dreams that felt so real that for the next few days I had to remind myself that I was remembering a dream and not something that actually happened.

In one dream I had a conversation with Ernie Garrett about dating his daughter. In my dream I was their home teacher, and in real life Hal Gunter and I had been their home teachers for a little while. And for the next few days I had to keep reminding myself that I actually hadn't spoken to Ernie about Ann Marie. Obviously, this dream had everything to do with how I felt about her rejection.

In another dream, I was wandering through this large mansion with lots of different rooms, and in one big long room there were seven canopy beds covered with gossamer fabric, and I was supposed to select one to sleep in. The catch was that there was also a girl in each bed, and I was supposed to choose which one to sleep with. But I never could see through the fabric hanging over the beds, so I couldn't know for sure which girl was in which bed, so I never chose any of them, and then it was too late to choose because I had to go into some other room. To this day I can still remember what those beds looked like. But I have no idea what or who the dream was about. It could have been about the girls from high school that I'd wanted to date but didn't have the guts to ask them. That makes the most sense. Yet, I can't help but think there's a small chance it was about Juice Newton. And an even smaller chance it was about Laura Branigan. There's zero chance it was about Sheena Easton.

In another dream I could fly. But only as long as I really believed I could fly. And there were these guys in my dream dressed in black that were making fun of me and saying that I really couldn't fly, but I just shot up into the sky, flew circles around them, and then kicked all their asses until they ran away screaming in fear. That one's definitely got to be about Kim Karnes.

I think all this dreamscape stuff came up then because it was around that time when I started to develop sleep apnea and would wake myself up gasping for air every now and then. Anyway, this song also reminds me of all those weird dreams I had as a teenager. And how I'd lay on my bed while listening to this song and wonder what all those high school girls would say if I could hear them talking in their sleep.

Before you start playing the video, I should warn you to not play it with small children around. It's less because of all the women standing around in their sleepy-time PJs and more because I don't think children should be exposed to these hairdos. (Quiche Lorraine?! Is that you?!) I don't remember ever seeing this video on Friday Night Videos when it came out, but maybe it's content was designed for the more racy MTV video fare. I shudder to think I may have once thought hair like that looked cool.



Beyond the lyrics, I really like the sound of this song. Lots of good bass lines. Great rhythm guitar. Dreamy synth sounds. I would say the song could have used a little cowbell, but after seeing the drummer's performance in the video, I'd say it was probably a good idea not to put a cowbell in front of him. It looks like he definitely was what Mr. Banyas would call a "cave man log beater." But that doesn't mean I don't like the drummer. I've like plenty of cave man log beaters. I get along with them just fine, as long as they don't beat the logs while I'm trying to sleep.

71. Sing Betty Lou!

71. "Give a Little Bit" by Supertramp (and the Goo Goo Dolls)

If you've ever had to work really, really, really, really, really, really, really hard at keeping a relationship with someone you love, this song will speak to you in a much deeper way than I think Piney Votzel Votesul Voetzle Morrison ever could have imagined.

This is one of those rare songs where I like both the original version and a cover version about the same. It would be super-hard to improve upon Supertramp's original album version, but I think the Goo Goo Dolls managed to get really close to doing just that. If someone somehow combined the two versions into one, I'd be very pleased to hear a Super-Goo Tramp-Doll version.

72. The voice inside my head

72. "One Night in Bangkok" by Murray Head (and the dudes from ABBA)

During the second semester of my freshman year at Ricks, some guys at the dorm started playing chess and holding informal tournaments. I didn't join in at first, as I wanted to stay focused on my studies. But I couldn't help but get involved because there was this one guy that thought he was the Chessmaster of Rexburg--and he probably deserved the title, as he was destroying all of the others in the tournament--but I didn't like his attitude, and I figured it was my job to adjust it. Even though I wasn't taking part in the tournament, it ticked me off that he just assumed he was the best chess player in the dorm. I didn't assume I was. I figured there were lots of guys better than me. But his hubris annoyed me enough to challenge him to a match.

Now, I thought I was a pretty good player and would give him a run for his money, as I had beaten Darcy Bollinger in sixth grade repeatedly. In fact, the passion Darcy and I felt for the game ran so high during one match that we even squared off for a fist-fight after he accused me of making an illegal move (and it may have been one). But before we could even start throwing punches, a teacher started heading our way. Darcy let down his guard as soon as he saw her walking toward us. But in my mind I thought, "Hey, I'm going to get in trouble and go to the principal's office anyway. I might as well punch him." So I landed a real haymaker right across his jaw before the teacher got there. I wasn't the strongest kid in school, and the blow surprised Darcy more than it hurt him, but it was still immensely satisfying to land that unexpected punch. We both got sent to Mr. Brown's office, and I think we got our chess-playing privileges taken away for a few weeks as punishment. Such passion for the game at such a young age meant that I had to be good at it, right?

Well, the dude at Ricks crushed me three matches straight. I was completely humiliated. And he was completely smug about it. So I gave up all my studies for the next week and went to the college library and checked out every book on chess. After reading them and playing a few practice matches with some guys on the floor, I challenged him again. He confidently accepted, as my previous play was so pathetic that he thought I really couldn't have gotten any better at the game in only a week.

I trounced him so badly that he actually got upset. He thought I had been faking it and holding back during our previous matches just to make him over-confident so that he would put his guard done and I could win this game. But now that he knew what my skill level really was, he would be prepared for me in a second game, which he challenged me to immediately. I beat him in that game too, and the one after that. Not only did I enjoy beating him, but the other guys on the floor REALLY enjoyed it. Nothing garners good will with a young man like publicly humiliating the guy that publicly humiliated him.

For the next few months the former Chessmaster tried to beat me about every few days or so, but he couldn't. One day I heard him complaining in the hallway that the library didn't have any books on chess, even though the library catalog said they were all checked in. At that moment I felt especially satisfied with myself, because I had hidden all the chess books on another floor of the library and had been checking on them regularly to make sure no one had found them and returned them to their right spot. Since this was well before the days of Amazon internetting, my strategy to block his learning more about chess was quite effective. He couldn't study what I had studied, so he couldn't beat me. Was it an underhanded and unsportsmanlike thing to do? Definitely. But when it comes to eradicating smug from a dorm, honor and sportsmanship are luxuries the common man simply can't afford.

At the same time that the chess craze was sweeping our dorm, "One Night in Bangkok"was moving up the charts. It was the one and only pop hit from the musical "Chess." I've never seen the musical. Why? Because while I like playing chess myself, the only thing I can think of that would be more boring than watching other people playing chess is watching people sing about watching people playing chess, with the obvious exception of this song. Because if you've seen one polluted stinking town--



Hey, kids! Did you spot the four-move checkmate Murray had going during the flute solo? And she fell for it! He only has to take the pawn on F7 with his Queen, and he'll win the game!

Whew! That's enough chess excitement for one entry. Now for a different kind of excitement!

It is embarrassing to admit this, but when "One Night in Bangkok" started playing on the radio, I thought for about a month that the voice in the song was that of William Daniels--the voice of Kitt, the true star of Knight Rider!

Seriously. I really did.

But can you blame me? Watch the following clip and tell me if you don't think Murray Head sounds a hell of a lot like William Daniels!



Yeah, that clip didn't have enough William Daniels in it to really hear his voice. Here's a little more of his voice without all that Knight Rider music and tires screeching and Hasselhoff screaming "Ah! Oh, no!"



"If I wanted delicious?!" Who doesn't want delicious! Oh, for crying out loud!

Anyway, I think I've made my point--which is that William Daniels was the voice of Kitt, and that Murray Head sounds like William Daniels when he sings (but he probably doesn't sound like William Daniels when he talks to David Hasselhoff through a car radio speaker or when he talks to tubs of rich, creamy margarine.)

That is all.

73. I'd like to do that whole thing again

73. "Det Är Inte Lätt Att Vara Ödmjuk" by Johnny Andersson

After nearly two years of living in Sweden, there are only two songs other than hymns that I can sing parts of in Swedish by heart. I can sing the first verse of the Swedish version of "The Bare Necessities" from the Jungle Book. I listened to that tape quite a bit, and it actually helped me learn a lot of Swedish phrases. I can also sing the chorus to the Swedish equivalent of "Oh, Lord It's Hard to Be Humble" by Mac Davis. The second song makes this list because it's a favorite sing-along memory of walking and/or biking the streets of Sweden while singing this with my companions--at least the fun ones.

Here's the music and lyrics in case you'd like to sing along too.



And now, because I know the only Swedish words you know are "Frusen Glädje!"--which is pretty much all the Swedish anyone really needs to know--here are a few visual treats left over from the 80s.



She's not only guilty, she's unrepentant.



Who eats ice cream with a strawberry?!



This is why people hated 80s yuppies. They'd eat all the ice cream and the go out and make potholes in their fancy cars.



I just can't help myself either. Let's have some more of that frozen 80s commercial goodness!



Yes. The penguin works here.



Finally! A REAL COMPUTER KEYBOARD!



He sure likes to polish/fondle that heater! Better back it up some more, Randy!

74. Will you do the fan-dang-go?

74. "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen

Hey, if "Xanadu" makes it onto the list because of its sing-along high notes that no one can hit, you know "Bohemian Rhapsody" has to be included on the list too. Was there any song more fun to screech to while ripping up Arimo pavement in Old Blue?

Because this is a long song, I'm including the Peanuts video so the kids will be more likely to enjoy a full viewing of it. Hopefully, they won't understand the dark and hopeless lyrics.



I hate to say it, but this song has gotten way overplayed on classic rock radio over the years. It's sheer popularity makes me almost want to not like the song anymore, but memories of headbanging with the Arimo Mafia have cemented it into my mind as one of the great songs of my youth. Those memories are also why I really enjoyed the opening scene of the first Wayne's World movie, because we pretty much did the same thing.



I probably should place this song much, much, much higher on the list, but I wanted it next to "Xanadu" to create a double-shriek treat.

This video is one of the most covered and spoofed songs on the interwebbing. And I can't resist sharing a few of the better versions. Here's another video for the kiddies, just in case they want to hear their dad strain for the high note again.



This Star Trek version has some very well-timed and entertaining moments.



And since we're already in a Trekish mood....



Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me! For me! For meeeeeeEEEEEEEeee!

75. Chicken Delicious

75. "Xanadu" by Olivia Newton John and the Electric Light Orchestra

This song makes the list for one reason only--the Capell clan substituted two words in the lyrics that made it a joyful sing-along song for everyone. Instead of "Xanadu," they sang "Arimo." And instead of "lights," they sang "light." Thus, the line:

     Xanadu, your neon lights will shine for you, Xanadu!

was transformed into:

     Arimo, your neon light will shine for you, Arimo!

The neon light was, of course, the Rand's cafe sign--the only neon light in all of Xanadu Arimo.

Also, it was quite fun during the sing-along for everyone to try to hit that last really high note. Of course, no one ever made it, and the resulting voice-shredding cacophony of ear-popping shrieks was so delightful that few could resist laughing at the ridiculousness of it all.



Ar-i-MOOO---OOO---OOOOOH!

76. Better Dance Barefoot

76. "Let's Dance" by David Bowie

Another dance-on-the-tractor favorite. Sometimes when this song came on I'd stop the tractor so I could hear it better. Then I'd take a leak after the song was done so I had at least a little better excuse for stopping. Maybe that's why I feel the urge to pee after hearing this song.

I'm a little confused by the juxtaposition of the lyrics and the video. In the song, he's inviting us to "Put on your red shoes and dance the blues." But in the video, he seems to be warning that if you put on those red shoes, you'll set off a nuclear explosion in the Australian outback. Since Australia doesn't have nuclear weapons, I'm guessing the bomb would be detonated by radical kitten-heel terrorists.



Oh, 1983, how I miss your nuclear paranoia. And Dabney Coleman's mustache.

77. Good enough

77. "Electric Avenue" by Eddy Grant

Rockin' bass. Good.

Drivin' beat. Good.

Catchy sing-along chorus. Good.

Lyrics about a London riot that broke out after the police ignored a black kid that had been stabbed and lay bleeding on the street. Not so good.

Still couldn't resist turning it up and singing along and dancing in my seat while driving...the tractor.



This is one of the songs I remember enjoying while discing the hell out of the fields by Mormon Canyon. There are a lot of them coming up on the countdown, so prepare yourself for plenty of summer-of-'83 flashbacks.

78. Before the cream sits out too long

78. "Whip It" by Devo

79. 4Ö,ÖÖÖ Umlauts Everyday

79. "Dön't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Öyster Cult

While the Chippendale's dancers skit för "Wörking för the Weekend" kind öf ruined the söng for me, the cöwbell skit för this söng just made me like it even möre.



Will Ferrel and Christöpher Walken are hilariöus!

But yöu knöw what isn't hilariöus? A live versiön öf the söng that DÖESN'T feature the cöwbell!



Argh! Can such things be?! Hey, Blue Öyster! While yöu're at it, why dön't you thröw away all the guitars and just play harps instead?!



That sucked! But it can be even suckier. Höw aböut a hörrible a cappella versiön?!



NÖÖÖÖÖÖÖ! The answer is MÖRE cöwbell!



Never mind.

80. The suicide squeeze is on!

80. "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" by Meat Loaf

Sheldon is the reason I still like this song so much. I have a vivid memory of Sheldon laughing about these lines at the end of the song:

I swore that I would love you to the end of time!
So now I'm praying for the end of time
To hurry up and arrive
'Cause if I gotta spend another minute with you
I don't think that I can really survive
I'll never break my promise or forget my vow
But God only knows what I can do right now
I'm praying for the end of time
It's all that I can do
Praying for the end of time
So I can end my life with you!

Besides the memory of Sheldon, I still find the entire original video of the song to be entertaining, but it's the end of the song where Meat Loaf's rock-opera acting skills really shine.




"Bat Out of Hell" is a classic rock album, and so much different from everything else that was coming out in the late 70s. But out of all the songs on the album, this song is the best. In fact, I'd say that "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" is, without a doubt, one of the very best in all of rock 'n' roll.



(If you didn't watch the video to the very end, you need to go back and watch it. Why? Because it is, without a doubt, one of the very best in all of rock 'n' roll.)

Am I the only one that is a bit creeped out by Meat's groping of the lady during the baseball play-by-play? And am I the only one that thinks the older he is, the creepier it gets? When I watched the baseball part of the video below, I found myself wondering when the Dateline guy was going to show up.



I can't believe he grabs her like that! Who does he think he is? The President?!

Speaking of going almost all the way, here's somebody else that Meatloaf groped.



Poor Mitt. After that performance by Meat Loaf, there was no way he was going to win. You just couldn't get elected President in 2012 without the Pro-Busey vote.



But as with everything else that was upside-down about the 2016 election, Meat's endorsement helped carry the election for the Donald. Meat Loaf loves Trump, and Trump loves Meat Loaf!



The Donald actually let Martha touch his meatloaf!

Yet another reason why Melania is praying for the end of time to hurry up and arrive.

81. Bring on the fembots!

81. "Espionage" by Green Day

While I was working on a grant between Utah State University and the Utah Department of Public Safety, I basically worked from home. The idea sounds nice at first. But the problem with it is that at some point you realize that you're never away from work when you're at home. That work mostly consisted of writing a training manual for people that trained first responders throughout the state. To add a little fun to my spend-all-day-in-the-unfinished-basement job, I bought a bunch of secret agent music and played it while I typed because it made me feel like I was a spy on a top-secret mission and had to hack into a mainframe computer to keep the world from blowing up. And the best spy song that I discovered was "Espionage" by Green Day. They wrote it for the Austin Powers movie.



About a week after I finished writing the training manual, they put in new leadership at the Utah Highway Patrol, which was the agency I worked with on the grant. They promptly fired me as part of their budget restructuring. And they changed all their plans for offering training to first responders. I don't think they ever used my training manual. The whole job turned out to be a huge waste of time. But at least I got a good song out of it.

82. I ain't workin' at no lumberyard!

82. "Battle Without Honor or Humanity" by Hotei Tomoyasu

This is the song by Hotei Tomoyasu's that is most likely to be recognized by Americans, as it's the song from the Kill Bill movie soundtrack. But Hotei has done a number of different versions of the song besides what you hear on the soundtrack, including some jam sessions with other musicians in which they take turns playing their own guitar solos.

Here's the movie soundtrack version.



And here's a performance he did on the telly. His form of guitar showmanship includes a variety of stances and moves with his legs. Most of them just look goofy--like he wants to finish up his guitar solo because he really has to go to the bathroom. He's got legs, but he doesn't know how to use them.



He had a composer/conductor friend that wrote a symphonic version. While the rest of the symphony had sheet music to cue them on what to play and when to play it, Hotei has to do everything from memory, since he doesn't read music. The video on this is super-choppy on purpose to avoid detection from the YouTube copyright bots, so you may want to just listen and not watch it.



This concert version is played at the regular tempo at first, but then it shifts into funky overdrive at the end.



And here's a concert with Brian Setzer from The Stray Cats and Char, a Japanese guitarist that has collaborated with Hotei on other songs. Setzer's the guy not wearing a pink cowboy hat with feathers in it.



Here's another version with some really famous jazz guitarists that I've never heard of.



The only jazz guitarists I know by name are Earl Klugh, George Benson, Pat Metheny, and Sonny Sharrock.

And now that I've named them, I feel obliged to share some of their music.

I was introduced to Earl Klugh by Elder Anderson on my mission. He's the one that played the guitar song on that tape I sent you from Sweden. He said, "I am Earl Klugh" to psych himself up before he started playing. One of Earl's greatest hits was the following George Benson tune "Living Inside Your Love."



George Benson's soft guitar jazz triggers a lot of memories from the 70s and 80s. Breezin' and Give Me the Night are the two songs I remember best. Here he is playing Breezin' on The Old Grey Whistle Test, which is widely known as the most difficult of all the standardized college-entrance exams.



Pat Metheny--did the soundtrack to the movie "The Falcon and the Snowman" which featured this little ditty in collaboration with David Bowie.



Sonny Sharrock--the man behind the music of Space Ghost Coast to Coast! When Sonny died back in the 90s, they had a whole episode where they played long blocks of his music. If you listen closely, it sounds like Earl Klugh is playing in the background when Space Ghost and Zorak are flying to work in The Phantom Cruiser.

83. Get on your bikes and ride!

83. "Fat-Bottomed Girls" by Queen

Bums.

Buns.

Butts.

Backsides.

Booties.

Behinds.

Bottoms.

Is there any topic more fun to sing about in all of rock 'n' roll?

Nope.

That's why the funnierest song in the movie "This is Spinal Tap" is "Big Bottoms." The lyrics are a masterwork of non-subtlety, and to get the point across musically, all the guitars are bass guitars, and the drums are mostly bass drums. It's all about the bass.




What song was Spinal Tap spoofing? It had to be "Fat-Bottomed Girls." As kids growing up in Arimo, this was one of those naughty songs that we weren't supposed to know the lyrics to. But somehow we did. And to this day, whenever this song starts up on the radio, I can't resist the guilty pleasure of singing along with the volume topped out.



Of course, there is a particular girl I have in mind when I sing this song. And I'm betting it's the same one you have too. It's because of the "Bicycle Race" song tie-in the band did with the line "Get on your bikes and ride!" Due to that line, the fat-bottomed girl I think of with this song is the push-bike girl on the Paul Hogan show.




Crickey! Those fat-bottomed sheilas make me want to spend some time exploring the beauty of the land down under. Fair dinkum!

84. A haw haw haw haw

84. "La Grange" by ZZ Top

Speaking of long guitar solos at the end of rock songs from the 70s, how's about a little ZZ Top?



Have Marcie!

85. In the Beginning

85. "Let There Be Rock" by AC/DC

The version of this song you hear on the radio features Bon Scott because that's the front man that originally sang it. Brian Johnson also does a good job screeching out the lyrics in concert. But the song really isn't a showcase for either Bon or Brian. It's all about Angus's driving guitar hooks and raucous solo at the end. How raucous was it? During the recording of the song, Angus played it so loud for so long that the amplifier melted.

MELTED!

Think about that for a second or two. Do you know what that means? It means if Angus wanted to, he could make amplifier fondue!

In concert, this is the song where Angus puts all of his guitar showmanship on glorious display. He stomps and runs and duck-walks and poses and thrashes uncontrollably on a hydraulic stage that lifts him up where he can be idolized by tens of thousands of adoring fans that get blasted with a whirlwind of confetti. Of course, you wouldn't know that from watching the video below. However, it's worth a peek because it contains rare footage of Angus playing the song while wearing an angel's halo instead of his signature devil horns.



It's a hell of a rocker, but we don't hear it very often on the rock 'n' roll radio. I think the song doesn't get regular airplay because it's so long. Billy says if you want to have hit you gotta cut it down to 3:05, and this song clocks in at a little over 6 minutes. But that's just the studio version. The concert versions--of which there are hundreds online--are much, much longer epic riff-fests where Angus lets the Rock Monster loose and whips the crowd into a call-and-response frenzy.

Near the end of my stint at Boise State, I liked to listen to three of these longer versions one after the other while I was working on some mundane HTML coding task. Why three? Because that's about as long as my bladder would hold out. These are loooooooooong songs. How long? So long that they put Albuquerque to shame! Here are my three favorite performances arranged in Benjamin Button order.








You know, after watching these massive guitar solos, I think it's pretty clear who Nigel Tufnel's guitar hero is.



Want more proof? Here's the bootleg long version of Nigel's solo. Let there be rock!

86. That'll keep you going through the show

86. "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd

The Wall. I should just put the whole album on the countdown in one giant entry. With the way the songs merge into each other (kind of like Monty Python skits),  I could almost get away with it. I probably heard it a hundred times when Randy lived with us. He'd play something from it at least every couple days, and I'd make the request to hear something from it just about as often. It had some good mellow stuff that we liked to play while we just lay in bed and listened. This song was the best of the mellow tunes.

Here's a video Randy would have appreciated. It's Dr. Strange singing the doctor's part on "Comfortably Numb."



The song has taken on new layers of meaning as I've gotten older. I was thinking just this morning about how different I am now from when I was kid listening to all this music from the 70s and 80s. I'm really not trying to relive my past, but it can be surreal at times when listening to these songs because every now and then I get a quick flash of memory that brings back the feelings I had back then. And for a moment, it's like I'm that kid again looking at my older self, and I think, "What the hell happened to you?! You aren't anything like the person I wanted to become!"

And sometimes when I think about it honestly, the answer always comes down to the simple fact that I have indeed become comfortably numb. That's when it feels like I'm just waiting for the worms to come.

When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown
The dream is gone
I have become comfortably numb

But other times when I think about it, the answer is that there's still that best part of my younger self that's just waiting for me to get over my old-man cynicism and start having fun again. And that young inner Daren got a big boost this last Monday evening when Julie gave me the go-ahead to buy a motorcycle. My brother and sister-in-law said that as soon as I got on the bike, they saw the teenager in me come right out. And I have to say that the smell of the gasoline, and the sound of the engine, and the feeling of freedom I get riding it has really given old-man Olson a real kick in the butt. So, say hello to my 1977 Honda CT 125. It's old and slow and dinged up and needs some parts fixed up--kind of like me. Hopefully, it will help me go from being comfortably numb to comfortably fun.

87. I am the King of the Couch!

87. "Ca Plane Pour Moi" by Plastic Bertrand (kind of)

To get me through the boring, repetitive tasks assigned to me at Boise State, I adopted a strategy of listening to French 80s music. Since I speak very little French, the lyrics didn't distract me, but the upbeat 80s vibe kept my mood up. Funny thing about French music--it always seems to be either really sad or really happy. And the lyrics don't even have to make sense when translated into English either. Random French phrases will do. Also, the lyrics don't have to be actual French words. As long as the words sound French, that's good enough.

Let me show you what I mean. Here's "Foux Du Fafa" by Flight of the Conchords. (Didn't you introduce me to this video? I don't remember.) The lyrics don't make much sense when translated. But I guarantee you'll feel happy at least five-and-a-half times before the end of the song.



Also, if a song is in French, anyone that doesn't speak the language will have no idea if the sound they hear is even your own voice. It could be the voice of someone else, and no one would ever know--unless the guy you hired to sing the song in French decides to take you to court and expose your music fakery.

And that is exactly what happened to Plastic Bertrand, a Belgian singer that Milli-Vanillied his way to a hit by hiring a guy named--and I'm not making this up or misspelling it--Lou Deprijck to sing and produce the song. But after Plastic lip-synced his way to fame and fortune with the song, Lou decided to be a real prijck about it and sued for a chunk of cash and the rights to perform the song.

Much has been made on the interwebs of the meaning of the lyrics of this song, which some translators portray as a nonsense song, while others point out that the French idioms used in the song make complete sense. "Ca plane pour moi" means literally, "It glides for me." But from the research I've done on the lyrics, I believe that the best translation of this French idiomatic phrase would be "I'm going to milk the cow."

I don't care. It sounds French. It makes me happy. Plus, there is an English line in it where he says, "I am the king of the divan." Who doesn't love a song that lets you proclaim "I am the King of the couch?!"



Anyway, this became my favorite song played on the French 80s stations I listened to at Boise State. The only problem I have with it is that it came out in 1977, so it really shouldn't be played on a French 80s station. But hey, that's what punk music was all about, right? Breaking the rules!

And one of the non-rules of punk had to do with "pogoing" on the dance floor. Apparently, dancing like you're an epileptic on a pogo stick was a thing associated with punk or new wave music. (I don't know why I did not know this.) The reason I bring it up is that it might be reason that the audience starts clapping in the middle of the song after Plastic pogos.



Fun Fact: "The Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats was written after the lead singer got kicked out of a Canadian dance club for pogoing. Of course, if you think everyone pogoed like Debra Harry does in the video above, you'd think that it was stupid for the bouncer to kick the dude out. But in the video below, you'll see a more violent form of the pogo. After you see the dancing going on while the Sex Pistol's sing "Anarchy in the UK," you'll probably side with the bouncer.



And now I understand a little better why They Might Be Giants didn't want that kind of dancing going on at their concert. Yikes! (Foux du fafa!)

88. This is the politics of life?

88. "Heart and Soul" by T'Pau

This song is the sound of my post-mission summer, which was mostly spent working the 11:00 PM to 7:00 AM shift at the Tupperware factory.

Mmmmm! The smell of freshly molded plastic! It's the gift that keeps on giving. (You can wash it out of your clothes, but not your nostrils.)

On my days off, I tried to keep my same sleep schedule, so I'd watch movies and MTV until I couldn't anymore because Mom and Dad slept in the TV room, and then I'd lay in bed and read the Lord of the Rings or the Shannara trilogy.

I know that sounds like a nerdy thing to do, but I'm definitely not a nerd. After all, would a real nerd enjoy watching a video of a white woman with long red hair rapping about being rejected in love while a bunch of musicians with their shirts buttoned up to the tippy-top button join her to form a band named after a Vulcan priestess?

89. Say Cheese

89. "Red Barchetta" by Rush

When I came to this song, I thought, "Why do I think of Randy riding in a red sports car when I hear it? And why do I imagine the drummer sitting behind a huge drum set? And why does the title of this song make me think of cheese?"

Then the memories began to flood back.

I remembered that along with the Van Halen, Pink Floyd, and Ten Nugent albums, at some point while he lived with us, Randy bought the Moving Pictures album by Rush.

"Tom Sawyer" was the song on this album that got me into Rush, what with the very enjoyable sing-a-long line "Catch the spirit, catch the spit." However, it's been so overplayed throughout the years that it's fallen out of favor with my ears and been replaced by "Red Barchetta."

Then I also remembered that when I was introduced to the Freaks and Geeks television show, I got a big kick out of the Rush references by the kid that idolized Neil Peart and bragged to Linda Cardellini that his 29-piece drum set was only six pieces away from being a bigger set than Neil's.



But then Linda Cardellini's TV dad tried to crush the kid's hero-worshipping of Neil with a little jazz drumming.



Granted, those jazz drummers really know how to make the sticks fly. Still, there's a part of me that understands the kid's awe of Neil's drum set. Behold the drum set in all its glory!



A slightly smaller drum set is featured in this 80s performance of "Red Barchetta."



So that's why this song makes me imagine Randy riding in a red sports car while somewhere in the Great White North a drummer is banging away on a gigantic drum set. However, I still have no idea why I think Barchetta is a type of cheese. Could it be because it really is a cheese? Well, there's only one way to find out--check the most comprehensive list of cheeses available on the interwebs.



Mmmmmmm...Rogue Cheddar.... A snack that is a winner, but yet won't spoil my dinner!

Well, I guess Barchetta isn't a cheese then. And I have no idea why I think of cheese when I hear the song. But you have to admit that Barchetta would make a damn fine name for a cheese!

And so would Cardellini.

90. All she wanted was the sax

90. "Goodbye Stranger" by Supertramp

The Marsh Valley High School student newspaper often featured an interview with one or two students. I don't ever recall being interviewed for the paper, nor do I recall anything that was written about any of my classmates in these interviews, except for one--Piney Votezal Votesel Votzul -- okay, I give up. Let's just call her Piney, shall we? There was only one Piney in all of Marsh Valley, so there's little chance of confusion.

Anyway, I remember Piney's interview because in it they asked her what her favorite band was, and she said "Supertramp." And I remember thinking, "Hey, I like Supertramp too! I've got something in common with Piney!" And then I remember thinking, "I've got something in common with Piney?!"

What's the difference between real tramps and supertramps? The sax?

I saw Piney twice after high school. The first time was right after my mission when I went to the grocery store in Downey to get a root beer. She was the clerk at the register. As I bought my sodey-pop, she asked me what I was doing with my life, and I told her that I just got back from Sweden, and that the family was moving to Twin Falls. I asked what she was up to, and she said she was married and working there at the store. Then somebody else came up behind me, so I said goodbye and left so she could keep doing her job.

The second time was at our class reunion--the only one I've attended. I remember she got up and gave this hilarious speech where she said that she was really sorry for what she had done in high school--and she said, "Yes...THAT too!"--after which a lot of people laughed. I had no idea what exactly THAT was. But I wondered if THAT is why the lady is a Supertramp fan.

Now some they do and some they don't,
And some you just can't tell.
And some they will and some they won't.
With some it's just as well.

91. Why not whistle?

91. "Strangers in the Night" by Mrs. Miller

While I find all of Mrs. Miller's songs both supremely entertaining and strangely inspiring, this one has a certain special something....



Do-be-do indeed! ('Nuff sung!)

92. Sulsul! Plerg majah bliff?

92. "SIM Hagar" by Jerry Martin

One of the things I tried to specialize in during grad school was the design of instructional simulations. Consequently, I felt compelled to purchase "The Sims" computer game when it first came out and do a post-mortem on the game to figure out how it was designed. I probably learned more about designing simulations from that game than anything else I studied, and every time we discussed simulations in class, I could always relate everything back to the game. So all those hours and days and months I spent playing the game were NOT completely wasted.

One of the cleverest things about the game design was that the Sims--the little virtual people you controlled in the game--spoke a made-up language called "Simlish." It's a combination of made-up words along with a few actual words in various languages (including English) thrown in from time to time just to screw with your mind. (It's jarring to hear an English word or phrase, because your brain says, "Hold on a second! That made sense...didn't it?") Anytime the Sims talked, you would see a bubble with the text in English, but you'd hear them say something in Simlish. Even more clever, the game featured a radio you could purchase for your Sims, and you could turn it to stations that played various music genres--country, jazz, rock, etc.--with all the song lyrics in Simlish.



Since that first game, they've had some well-known professional musicians record new music (Mike Mothersbaugh from Devo did the music to Sims 2) or record their own songs in Simlish.

Here's Katy Perry recording the Simlish version of her song "Last Friday Night."



I'm not a Katy Perry fan, but I think I could listen to a little more of her singing in Simlish.



Shortly after the game came out, Apple introduced its first iPod, which let me put one thousand songs on a little magical white brick and listen to them in random order wherever I went. One day, I got the bright idea to download all of The Sims music onto my iPod and listen to it while I went shopping. Now, the game had some lame shopping music it would play while you were "shopping" in the game, so listening to that same music as I searched for real items to purchase was more than a little surreal. I felt like I was one of the little cartoon people inside the game!

My favorite song in that first game was one of the five rock station songs that played when you turned on the radio within the game. There was one song in particular that actually rocked pretty hard. They call it "SIM Hagar" now, but it was always song #4 to me. It is especially fun to lip-sync the lyrics in Simlish--if you can figure out what they are.