Let's face it. Captain Stubing was the Pimp of the Seven Seas. And what "The Love Boat" needed was a disco-ish theme song about what was really going on the Toledo deck. "Love for Sale" is just such a song.
Have you ever wondered what it would sound like if, through a freak accident involving nuclear waste and an overturned sugar beet truck, Ben Folds, John Linnell, and Weird Al Yankovic inhabited the same body? Me too.
I'm sure there are plenty of folks that prefer the original rock 'n roll version by The Godfathers, but I likes me some of that dancin' disco beat once in a while.
Here's a little Southern Rock to remind you of all the trains that rumbled through Arimo every hour of the day and night. Dinah, won't you blow that horn?
Fun fact: My brother Jared once shot his bb-gun at a hobo that was peeing out of the side of a railcar at the end of our lane. Unfortunately for the hobo, Jared had practiced many a day before that by shooting Sprit cans off our back fence, and on his shot at the hobo, Jared says he "dotted the i."
Since finishing my Top 200 list, I've come across a number of songs that I think are worthy of sharing even though they aren't on that list. After all, just because a song isn't in my Top 200, that doesn't mean I don't like it. Also, one of the things that was most gratifying about making the Top 200 list was that once in a while I would put in a song that Hondo Joe liked but had not heard before or forgot about and was excited to hear again. So I'm going to transition this Top 200 list to a new phase, one which doesn't involve ranking songs based on my affinity for them, and one without a limit to the number of songs that will be included. But first, let me explain the title of this add-on list to my Top 200.
Back in the days before the interwebs were jam-packed with digital music files and free-to-view music videos, Hondo Joe used to make some mix tapes for me to share songs that he thought were worthy of a listen or two by somebody other than himself. And when I just said "some mix tapes," what I really meant to say was "more mix tapes than I could ever fit in any vehicle in my garage that still had a functioning cassette deck in the dashboard." That's because Hondo Joe wouldn't just send me one mix tape at a time. No, no, no. I'd get two or three at a time. And for special occasions like birthdays or Christmas or Guy Fawkes day, I'd get an entire thirty-cassette collection of mix tapes inside its own carrying case. Consequently, I have well over one hundred mix tapes sitting in my closet, each one with around two dozen songs. That means I have over twelve hundred pirated songs, each one carrying a maximum penalty of five years in jail and a quarter-of-a-million dollar fine. And according to the rules of math, that means I now have a music collection worth three hundred million dollars that I can listen to while I spend the next six thousand years in jail. I don't know if any of that time will involve solitary confinement, but I'm guessing it could if I try to drive the guards insane by playing Volare on a non-stop loop for the first three hundred years. So I'll have to be careful about that.
Back to the tapes. Since these were not albums bought in a store, and since we needed something to refer to the individual tapes besides numbers, Hondo Joe would make up clever titles for each of the tapes. The title of one such tape--which eventually turned into a multi-tape collection--was called "The Best Songs You Ain't Never Heard." It featured rarely heard gems by some well-known artists and bands--like Billy Joel, Pink Floyd, and ELO--as well as catchy songs by more obscure groups--like Mono Puff, Lemonheads, and The Rentals. I've always thought that title--"The Best Songs You Ain't Never Heard"--was pure genius. Someday, I'm going to create an online radio station with that as the title. But until that day, I'm going to create the playlist for that station here on this blog by sharing interesting songs that I think would be worthy to include in Hondo Joe's original collection of gotta-hear-'em songs that most people probably haven't heard before--or at least they haven't heard in a long time and will get a kick out of hearing again because the songs aren't included on the 70s-80s-and-90s-top-hits stations that plague the airwaves today.
And now, here come THE BEST SONGS YOU AIN'T NEVER HEARD!
Recorded in early 1985, for 35 years this song survived only on bootleg cassette tapes hoarded by either Joe Mama himself or a single supremely devoted superfan--me. But now, thanks to the Interwebs, the song is finally available throughout the world to an audience of billions. Finally, Joe Mama can now receive the credit he deserves and take his rightful place on the list of the World's Greatest Rappers AND the list of the World's Greatest Crappers!
02. "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" by Monty Python (but especially Eric Idle)
Originally, this song was only written to be the ending musical dance scene for "The Life of Brian."
The dark humor of the song arises from the juxtaposition of the cheery song with the image of dozens of men being crucified. And this humor resonated with many people, but especially the British. In fact, during the Falklands War, the British ship HMS Shetfield was hit by a missile, and as it sank, the crew sang "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" while waiting to be rescued. And the song has become a funeral favorite among many, including the funerals for members of Monty Python.
So now it's taken on the status of a national anthem, as seen in the performance of the song during the Olympics in England.
Eric also sang it for Prince Charles' 60th birthday celebration, which is my second-favorite version.
But in the end, the version I like the best is the original because of something that happened to me on my mission. Before I left for the MTC, I went to my favorite college professor, Larry Thompson, who also happened to be my bishop in the campus ward, and I asked him for any advice he might have before I went off on my mission in a week or so. He said, "Well...don't forget to laugh."
I was somewhat disappointed by this advice, as I had hoped that with all of the inspirational things he had said in his English class, he'd say something that was a bit more motivational than that. But I thanked him for the advice and for all that he'd done for me, and left his office and the campus. A week later, I was in the MTC, and I promptly forgot about his advice and started to take things very seriously. After all, my family was sacrificing a lot for me to be there. My dad had cancer, and before I left, he told me that if his surgery didn't work and he died while I was in Sweden, to not come home for the funeral. His reasoning was that there wasn't anything I could do for him at home, and once he was gone, there wouldn't be anything I could do for him then either. Anyway, I took my mission seriously because I thought that if my family was going through all of that stuff without me, I should at least try my hardest to do the best job possible.
Three and a half months after I spoke with Bishop Thompson, I found myself in Sweden with a companion that I hated being with--so much so that I had asked the mission president if I could be transferred. When the president asked me to hold on for two more weeks, I said, "Okay, if that's what you need me to do." Then I got on a plane with my companion and sunk into a deep depression. The depression got deeper when we got off the plane and had to bike the five miles back to our apartment because my companion was too cheap to pay for a taxi. About a half mile from the airport, my bike tire went flat. I began to walk the rest of the way to our apartment while my companion rode his bike well ahead of me.
I then started thinking to myself about how bad things were. I was in a foreign country where everybody hated me, I couldn't understand a damn thing anyone said, even after six weeks of being there, and I was stuck with a companion that I hated. I was a thousand miles away from home and really worried about whether my dad would survive the cancer surgery. It was dark, and I was tired, and there was nothing I could do to improve my situation. I then quietly said to myself outloud, "This is the worst my life has ever been. It just can't get any worse than this." Then thirty seconds later, it started to rain.
And I involuntarily laughed. It was just too damn absurd and dark and funny for me not to laugh. Yes, life could get worse (it eventually did...many, many times), and in response I could cry or I could laugh. That was my choice. And at that particular moment, I chose to laugh. And then I realized that Larry Thompson's advice suddenly became the best damn advice anyone had ever given me, and it remains as such to this day.
This song is the musical version of that advice, and that's why it is the almost-number-one song on my top 200 list.
While many of the songs on this top 200 list are associated with negative emotions and memories, this song hearkens back to a day during my senior year in high school when I experienced a moment of complete bliss. Actually, it wasn't a moment. It was a bliss-a-thon that lasted the entire album version of "True" as I slow-danced with Jennifer Palmer during the senior year homecoming dance. And although that relationship didn't work out in the end, every time I hear this song it triggers a memory of absolute happiness.
Best song about the absolute futility of politics EVER. And the best part of the song is the primal scream at the end followed by the line, "Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss." The truth of this lyric was brought home to me back in my 90s teaching days by my good friend, Angie Dorman, when I was complaining to her about how a new school district administrator had just committed the same stupid mistake as the former administrator. Her reply was "Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss." Since the day she said that, this song has played in my mind every time I've seen a change in leadership, whether it be at work, at church, or in politics at the local, state, or national levels. I've learned to not put my faith in any of them. Otherwise, I'm just setting myself up to be fooled again.
05. "I Won't Back Down" by Tom Petty (and Jeff Lynne and George Harrison and...Ringo Starr?)
I wouldn't say that this is my official theme song. That honor belongs to Billy Joel's "You May Be Right." But I will claim it as my official fight song. It's been a source of comfort and inspiration through the last four jobs that I've had to walk away from, including the time I got fired by Jesus.
The video shows Jeff Lynne and George Harrison on back-up vocals, which they actually sang on the recording. They also played guitars on the song with Lynne on bass and Harrison on an acoustic guitar. The video also shows Ringo Starr on the drums. But he didn't play them on the recording--the kind of music video fakery that would normally annoy me, but the original drummer didn't show up for the video shoot, so George called up Ringo, who promptly came to the rescue. And since Ringo is the most entertaining person to watch on the video, all is forgiven. Lynne wrote the song with Petty, which I think is why I like the song so much. I'm actually not much of a Petty fan. But if you team him up with Lynne and a Beatle or two, I'm in.
The Hondo Joe Top 200 has many songs on it what are on this list, but I think this is the only one with the exact same placement. That's because when I saw it listed at number six on that countdown I said to myself, "Dammit! That's the perfect spot for that song on my list too!" So finally, a bit of syncronicity between the two lists.
Hondo Joe already mentioned that this song has the best alliterative line in all of rock and roll, but I would add to it that it also has one of the greatest "DIP!" shouts in all of rock and roll. And when you can time it right and shout it out at the exact same time with Warren--well, sing-alongs just don't get more satisfying than that.
Now, even though I love the original Warren Zevon version of this song, I can appreciate the many covers that have been done by other artists, including....BILLY JOEL!
As one who gets down in the dumpsies on a pretty regular basis, it can be to think that things can ever feel different for me. But listening to this song somehow always gives me hope and makes me feel better. So even if I am feeling extra gloomy, this song helps me have hope that someday the clouds will part, and I'll finally catch a glimpse of Mr. Blue Sky.
And because I like the extra minute of music at the end of the original version of the song, here's the video for the full thing. I know that Jeff Lynne has lobbed off the original ending with his new arrangement of the song, but I likes me that extra minute of full orchestral hope.
In the many years before my lonely friend got married, this was a song with a story that I always knew would eventually come true for him, except I knew he wouldn't fall in love with her in a week like Horace does in the song. I think it took him a week and a half.
I have a dear friend that was once a lonely, lonely man until this woman came along that he really liked. He was a little hesitant to want to date and, ultimately, marry her because she was much younger than him. And when he talked with me about his concern, this was the song that went through my mind.
Now whenever I hear this song I think about how he went out and got her, let her into his heart, and started to take his sad life and make it better, better, better, Better, Better, BETTER, YEEEEAAAH!
And the chorus of Na-Nas at the end always sounds to me like all of the people--including his friends, his family, his dad and grandparents that had passed, and his children and grandchildren yet to be born--who were cheering him on when he did it.
Clearly, I have a problem with seeing morons do cruel things to my family and friends and then wanting to seek sweet, sweet revenge upon the bastards. Fortunately, this song, or at least the concept of "instant karma" has actually kept me from doing some rather cruel things to get that revenge.
The concept of karma is that that the totality of what someone does in this life will impact how they are reincarnated in the next. But that's too slow for me. I want "instant karma." I want to see the offenders get what's coming them in this life. And to my delight, I've seen that happen to some of my greatest enemies--the stupid and cruel things they did quickly came back around to bite them in the ass. Yeah, it may have taken a year or two, but they got what was coming to them. And that's when I smile and think, "Yep. Instant Karma got you, so now I don't have to."
The other part of this song I like is the rebuke that John gives to the narcissistic bastards when he says something to the effect, "Who do you think you are? A superstar? Well, you might be one, but we all shine like the moon and the sun and stars--we've all got our own light--so you're not special after all, and that's why you should make amends and try to live in peace with us all."
In regards to the music, I like John's scratchy, strained voice during the chorus. And I like the piano a lot. But if I were identify any musical flaw in this song it would be the lack of a cowbell. That would really make it shine on, on and on and on, on and on.
I had this song play on my earphones at the beginning of my last Top of Utah Marathon. It was surreal to have it play as thousands of people in front and behind me all ran together. This song reminds me of that moment of total euphoria in a marathon run when your energy level is at its highest and you're running without feeling tired at all (something that changes about two minutes after the song is over).
The song also reminds me of the time when Randy laughed hard after singing these lyrics.
You better run all day and run all night
And keep your dirty feelings deep inside.
And if you're takin' your girlfriend out tonight
You better park the car well out of sight,
'Cos if they catch you in the back seat trying to pick her locks,
They're gonna send you back to mother in a cardboard box.
You better run!
So with great memories of both marathon running and of Randy, this song almost made it into my top ten.
I know that this song might not chart as high for other fans of AC/DC, but this song became my favorite AC/DC song when I went to their concert and had Angus Young lead me, my nephew, and 20,000+ others in screaming "Oi!" as loud as we could while pumping both fists into the air. Plus, it's the absolute best song for those times when it becomes clear someone is messing with you, and you're going to have to kick some ass HARD!
Also, my nephew had some trouble with some kids at school bullying him, and he had to fight back, but it didn't go so well for him. So I played him this song and told him that this is HIS song now, and then I got him enrolled in a jiu jitsu class. After just a couple months, his jiu jitsu made his confidence soar, and now he embodies the underlying theme of this song--you mess with me, you're going to loose. In fact, he became so confident that one day a kid bumped into him on purpose in the locker room and said something like, "You wanna fight? I'll fight you right here right now!" My nephew looked at him totally unafraid, grinned, and said, "Yeah, good luck with that," and walked away. The other kid was so stunned by my nephew's confidence that he left him alone. It was a great day for my nephew because, as he told me later, he knew that it would have been just like in the TNT song--he would win the fight no matter what the kid did.
As a fan of the Highlander films and the television series, this song brings up memories of immortals with swords cutting off each other's heads. And then...the Quickening!
Why Freddy decided that the song should end with a fried chicken commercial, I'll never understand. But I still like it.
I liked this song when it came out, but as with many other songs on this list, I came to appreciate it even more as the years have advanced. At it has seemed especially apropos since the last presidential election. Nobody told me there'd be days like these. Strange days and deeds. Strange days and deeds.
The only thing I can think that could possibly make these days get better is...
I like this song so much that I make my students in the college-level course I'm teaching listen to it as part of a learning activity. I tell them that this song reveals the reason why they're going to school. In actuality, those, it's how I feel about most of the work I do and the classes I teach. Ten years (actually twenty) got behind me pretty dang fast, and now I feel like I missed the starting gun. Oh, well, it's good to come home and warm my bones by the fire. It's also good to listen to this song and think, "That about sums it up for me."
Since I have my students read the lyrics as they watch the video, I'm going to do the same here. Just for consistency's sake. Also, I tend to keep doing the same thing over and over and over. That's how I'm able to fritter and waste the hours that make up a dull day.
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way.
Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain.
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.
So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again.
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older,
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.
Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time.
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over,
Thought I'd something more to say.
Home
Home again
I like to be here
When I can
When I come home
Cold and tired
It's good to warm my bones
Beside the fire
Far away
Across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spell
But my dirty deeds targeting the high school head weren't as dirty as they needed to be--the closest I came to violently ending his life was in 7th grade when during a talent show competition I accidentally (but kind of on purpose) threw a whipped cream pie at him and hit him in the leg.
Angus Young got the title for this song from a cartoon show called "Beany and Cecil." Here's a sample of the cartoon. The evil villain was "Dishonest John," who had a calling card that had printed on it the phrase "Dirty deeds done dirt cheap." (I can't find an episode with the card.)
I personally think the cartoon is more violent than the song lyrics, but you be the judge.
My favorite part of the song is when they list six different ways to do the dirty deed--concrete shoes, cyanide, TNT, contracts, neckties, and...high voltage! I've many a time imagined my enemies, including a high school head, meeting their end through each of these options.
My favorite part of the video is when Angus yells "Aaaaaah!" into the microphone at the end of the song. Who says he can't sing?!
I'm not sure if this is an anti-political message or an anti-anti-political message. Either way, if it's accompanied by that awesome grinding guitar sound, it's gonna be all right.
This is my theme song whenever I get insomnia, which is more often than I'd like. The lyrics are amazing, and the music holds up well regardless of whether you're listening to the entire band or just a grizzled old Colin singing with one guitar.
Do you like Scrubs the T.V. show? I do. And a big reason why is that they do things like this. It's kind of like what happens to me some days when a song gets stuck in my head and it basically drives the mood for the entire day. I know. That's overkill.
A great song during the days of my youthlyness, an even better song for the days of my middle-agedness.
But am I really middle-aged? The only way to know is the Take the Long Way Home checklist.
1. Joke of the neighborhood? Check.
2. Times that you feel you're part of the scenery? Check.
3. Your wife seems to think you're part of the furniture? Check.
4. Your wife seems to think you're losing your sanity? Double-check.
5. Does it feel that your life's become a catastrophe? Check.
6. Do you look through the years and see what you could have been, what you might have been, if you'd had more time? Check.
7. Do you often take the long way home? Check.
I think I could actually put the entire "Wish You Were Here" album here, since all of the songs run into each other on the album. I especially think that "Shine On You Crazy Diamond" is the prequel that helps set up the overall sentiment of the song.
I know this song isn't necessarily about the death of loves ones. But there are people that have been important to me in my life that aren't alive anymore, and when I think of them, I wish they were here, and this song always reminds me of them.
This is one of those songs that I liked in high school but didn't really appreciate the entire meaning of it until later in life. Much, much later. I now think this is one of the greatest songs that will be written in my lifetime. To search for meaning in life, and to think you've found it, but to then realize you haven't found jack squat, is a pretty disconcerting feeling. But I've done that a half dozen times in the past two decades, and I'm in the middle of one of those times right now. I'm currently thinking the meaning of life is found in the daily giving and receiving of poodle love. (Which is MUCH different from muskrat love.) But I could be wrong. I mean, I've been wrong all the other times before, so why would I have the answer now? So when this song plays on the radio and Hodgson strains to sing the high notes on "Please tell me who I am...who I am...who I am...who I am!" I'm straining to sing the high notes right along with him.
For we who grew up tall and proud in the shadow of the mushroom cloud, this song sums up the feeling of an ongoing Cold War quite well, much better than any movie Mr. Brown would force us to watch in science class. But the main message of the song is one of peace--that we should all stop fighting each other, because death's coming for us all anyway, so what the hell are we fighting for?
I know. Kind of a weird way to spread world peace. We want our world peace messages to be warm and fuzzy, not slap us across the face. But the bluntness of the message is warranted, as people don't really listen to warm and fuzzy. And it's kind of hard to argue with the reasoning. We might as well make the best of what time we've got left until the Grim Reaper comes for us.
When I went to the AC/DC concert in Salt Lake City, I remember that there were two guys standing next to Ryan and me (because no one really sat at the concert), and when Angus started playing the opening riff, they nearly lost their minds. And as loud as the music was, those two dudes sang loud enough for me to hear them over Brian Johnson sing, "Went through to Texas, yeah Texas, and we had some fun." I distinctly remember thinking at that moment, "What the hell does Texas have to do with this song? Are these jokers from Texas? Did Brian actually sing Texas, or did their stupid singing just make me think he did?" And then Angus started to duck walk, and I stopped paying attention to anything else.
Obviously, I wasn't a serious AC/DC fan until AFTER the concert. I mean, in high school I liked some of their songs a lot, but I wouldn't have said that I'd rather go to an AC/DC concert than a concert by--oh, let's say another Australian rock band that I listened to in high school--the Little River Band. But after the concert, my appreciation for AC/DC grew tenfold, and I would now say I'm definitely a fan, but not the kind of fan that would wear the devil horns, just the kind of fan that would wear the t-shirt.
By the way, if you ever find yourself wondering what the Telestial Kindgom looks like, it's an AC/DC concert. But I don't think it's the kind of concert you'd find in the Outer-Darkness-Hell, because the Australian band in that place would be Air Supply.
Twisted Sister's "Stay Hungry" came out just as we graduated from high school, so most of my memories related to this song are from the summer after high school and my first year of college. Since it was an anthem of independence, it perfectly reflected my attitude at the time.
I also have a fond memory of my nephew Ryan and me singing this at the top of our lungs during a long road trip from North Platte, Nebraska to Pocatello. He laughed so hard when I flipped a double-bird at "We'll fight (yeah) you'll see! (double-bird flip)" that he nearly ran off the road. But there's not song that makes you want to let the double-bird fly like this one.
Fun Fact: I always thought "We're Not Gonna Take It" sounded like "O Come All Ye Faithful." I was right.
The song that inspired Gloria Burmester to turn this:
into this:
Although this was one of those forbidden songs of my youth, I have come to embrace the song whole-heartedly in my adulthood, especially during those moments when I've decided that some injustice needs to be corrected, and I'm the one that will do the correcting. That's when it becomes time to get out the cowbell and kick ass.
My favorite memory of this song happened at a Boy Scout Order of the Arrow campout at Little Lemhi.
I was there as one of the scouts that told all the new initiates (which included Sam Gunter and Chris) what they had to do for their work projects. After the ceremony where we took all the new initiates out to a place where they had to sleep by themselves (I made sure Chris had a good place to sleep), the leaders put the rest of us in the main lodge to sleep for the night. One kid a little older than me had a tape player and the "Aldo Nova" album. I remember all of us lying in the dark listening to this song and wondering if the leaders would come in and make us turn it off. They didn't. So now every time I hear the song, it triggers memories of Little Lemhi and all the scouting adventures I had there, which were quite a few.
If for no other reason, this song would have made my top 200 list simply for the following line:
"And every single meeting with his so-called superior is a humiliating kick in the crotch!"
But this song also has a crazy granny, Rice Krispies, slime at the bottom of a dark Scottish lake, picket lines, cheap tarts, something crawling to the surface of a dark Scottish loch, lemmings, suicidal rush hour traffic, and a henpecked husband with aching eyeballs.
Name one other song that combines crotch kicking with all THAT. The only way this song could be better lyrically is if it included a reference to cheese and/or pudding and/or cheese pudding.
The album from which this song came was titled "Synchronicity," and it was a chart-dominating monster that included "Every Breath You Take," "King of Pain," and "Wrapped Around Your Finger"--all charting much higher than "Synchronicity II." But I think "Synchronicity II" is a better song than all of them. Why? Because none of them have anything to do with crotch kicking. And you would think that a song titled "King of Pain" would have crotch kicking as the main focus of the lyrics. But nope, it's about a little black spot on the sun instead of large black bruise on the nards.
To be fair, those other songs would have rated higher on my top 200 list back during my senior year in high school. But as I've aged, I've come to have a deep emotional connection to "Synchronicity II" that I don't have with the other songs on the album. While all those other songs rated higher on the Billboard charts back in the day, they don't even get a spot on my current top 200 list, because even though I experience more actual strikes to my crotch during high school (Thanks, Sheldon!), since that time I've had a LOT of meetings with so-called superiors that were, emotionally speaking, humiliating kicks in the crotch. So I know the painful truth that Sting sings about in this song, and I know why there's a shadow on the door...of a cottage on the shore...of a dark Scottish lake...many miles away.
28. "Another Brick in the Wall" by Pink Floyd -- more specifically, "Another Brick in the Wall, Part 1" AND "The Happiest Days of Our Lives" AND "Another Brick in the Wall, Part 2" (but not "Another Brick in the Wall, Part 3")
You know a classic rock station knows what it is doing when you hear all three played in a row, uninterrupted by DJ talk or commercials. Unfortunately, Pink Floyd doesn't have a video of all three merged together. But here they are back-to-back-to-back. Just click on the next one immediately after the previous one ends. But don't delay! You have to do it now! You! Yes, you! Stand still, laddy!
As a professional educator, I probably shouldn't love this song, but I do. I can't help it. I remember hearing it at the Marsh Valley Jr. High School while we ate during lunch break and Ron Jolley demanded that it be turned off. How can I not love a song that he hates?!
I also love it because Randy and I used to lay on our beds in my room, turn out the lights, and listen to this three-song sequence. Actually, we listened to the whole album, which was quite a feat, seeing as it was a double album with over 80 minutes of music.
In addition, I love it because it's so damn fun to play air guitar to the solo at the end. I know I can always make Julie laugh when I play it in the car. It may very well be the greatest air guitar song ever.
And the whole "How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?" question is definitely the greatest pudding-related lyric in all of rock 'n' roll music. Of course, I'm not quite sure why rock music would not have more pudding lyrics. Pudding is delicious! It's kind of like pie, but without all that crust getting in the way. Don't get me wrong. I'm not bashing pie crust. I'm a pie guy, and I love everything there is to love about pie, including the crust. All I'm saying, is that pudding is a favorite first cousin to pie. Kind of like how Randy was my favorite first cousin (on my mother's side, Laura was my favorite on my Dad's side).
Now, I must have listened to "Another Brick in the Wall" several hundred times in my life. And whenever the pudding line comes up, I imagine that the pudding is some kind of English bread pudding. But I could be wrong, so here are my top 20 alternate guesses for the type of pudding it is.
29. "Take Off" by Bob and Doug McKenzie (and Geddy Lee)
There is no other album that takes me back to the winter of my sophomore year in high school like "The Great White North." In fact, if I were to listen to this album while playing foosball and drinking root beer, I would actually time travel to December of 1981. And the first thing I'd probably do is listen to this album while playing foosball and drinking root beer. The second thing I'd probably do is go snowmobiling at the Big Onion with all my friends. The third thing I'd probably do is play Donkey Kong. That would be a good day, eh?!
While "Take Off" is not a musical masterpiece, it is the highest charting single for Geddy Lee, and, dare I say, for Bob & Doug McKenzie too. Now there may be some folks who would say that Bob & Doug are fictional characters, so they couldn't actually have a highest charting single. But don't listen to those people. They're evil hosers, just like the most evil of all evil movie villains--Brewmeister Smith.
Okay, so that's our topic for the day. So, good day!
Full acceptance and total apathy--the final stage of the post-break up. This song is about as perfect of a Phil Collins song as you can get. Pounding drums. Ominous chords. Snarling lyrics. Can you ask for anything more? Yes, you can. But Phil's not going to give it to you, because he don't care no mo-uh-ore.
Fun Fact: Phil sings 13 no-mos in a row at the end of the song. But there are no less than 10 no-mos spread out through the song before that, for a grand total of 23!
Mathematically speaking, the precise quantity of Phil's no-mo works out to be:
no-mo23!
This could also be written as:
no-mo25852016738884976640000
The American mathematical term/phrase for this large number is:
No-mo to the power twenty-five sextillion eight hundred and fifty-two quintillion sixteen quadrillion seven hundred and thirty-eight trillion eight hundred and eighty-four billion nine hundred and seventy-six million six hundred forty thousand
(And 99 cents!)
But since Phil is British, we should probably use British terms for large numbers which, of course, are going to be more better than the American terms. (Because in Britain, they learn "maths" in school, which automatically makes them more numberly smarter, because in America we only get to learn one "math.") So, if we speech maths in British, we would say:
After hearing this song, I spent some of the sparse allowance money I got as a 9th grade kid and bought "The Game"--an album that, rumor had it, featured backwards masking that encouraged the kiddies to "smoke marijuana." I chose not to believe the rumor, bought the album, and listened to "Another One Bites the Dust" over and over and over and over.
There were other songs on the album worth listening to. "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" was a chart topper. And I enjoyed "Need Your Loving Tonight." The other songs were okay, but side two didn't get a lot of air time.
One reason I liked "Another One Bites the Dust" is because we used to play it after every 9th grade football game that we won. I think Coach Pratt made us turn it off on away games. But we'd play it on the bus afterwards. I think we either went undefeated or only lost one game that season.
It wasn't until my cousin Randy came to live with me that I discovered that the rumors were true. He showed me how to listen to the backward masking on "Another One Bites the Dust." And it did say "smoke marijuana" overlayed on top of "another one bites the dust." Because of all the crap I'd been through because of Randy's pot smoking habit, this backwards masking thing pissed me off to the point that I think I got rid of the record. I either threw it away or gave it to someone one who wanted it. By then, I'd become more of a Billy Joel fan, so I didn't buy anymore Queen albums. But I will admit that I must be a bigger Queen fan than I thought I was, because when I saw "Bohemian Rhapsody" in the theater, during a number of scenes I said to Julie, "That's not what really happened" or "Their timeline is off."
As a post-break up song, "Another One Bites the Dust" is about that moment when self-loathing gives way to being just plain pissed. How pissed? Pissed enough to call up Steve--an assassin-for-hire that likes to wear hats and loud shoes--to kill the formerly beloved with a machine gun.
Now, I'm NOT advocating violence against former lovers. The world already has one O. J. Simpson. It doesn't need any more. But I think this song does tap into a universal truth--nothing helps to heal a broken heart quite like fantasies of violent revenge.
At the end of the self-loathing stage of the break up comes a singular moment in which the anger starts to run pure. And that's a good thing. It brings clarity to the situation and helps the mind accept the truth of what has happened in the past, what is happening now, and what has to happen in the future.
Would you like a longer intro to that song? And a longer drum solo? And a couple dozen more "Oh Lords?" No problem.
And do you remember hearing this song on one of the early Miami Vice episodes? I do.
34. "(Wish I Could Fly Like) Superman" by The Kinks
When I wake up in the morning I also put on my clothes to keep from being depressed, but I definitely don't do it because I weigh only nine stone.
Also, I don't just want to fly like Superman. I want the super strength, super speed, super hearing, heat vision, x-ray vision, cold breath, invulnerability, and that thing where he can erase a woman's memory by kissing her. (Come to think of it, that last one might actually come in more handy than the other powers.) However, to be honest, I don't want to have to wear a cape. It seems pointless to me. If I'm impervious to any weather conditions, and I don't ever get cold, then what do I need a cape for? Wearing the skin-tight super S suit would be alright, but I'd like to lose about nine stone before I try it on.
And now for the most desperate of post-break up songs--the one where the guy accepts the fact that they've broken up for good, but he still professes to have undying love and devotion for the woman.
If this song had been written by a country-western singer (think Willie Nelson), it probably would have had a sad, slow tempo with some wailing steel guitar bits. But Journey is a ROCK band, so the song features a driving tempo with lots of angry bass and rhythm guitar. That isn't to say that the lead guitar doesn't wail. Neal Schon knows how to make it cry, alright. But it's an angry wail.
The video features lots of angry performances, too. There's angry air guitar, angry air keyboard, angry air drums, angry singing into the camera, and angry slamming of a fist onto yellow corrugated metal. However, the drummer is wearing a foosball t-shirt, so they can't really turn the anger dial up to 11--which is the exact level my anger was set at when I used to listen to this song in high school. But it's a solid 10 and 1/2, and that's why it is the highest-ranked Journey song on this list.
Question of the Day: What is that woman doing walking around the wharf in white high heels and a tight black skirt, and why is she wearing Eddie Van Halen's t-shirt under that white jacket?
John Waite's post-break up response to missing his lost love was to wrap himself up tight in a thick blanket of denial. But Dan Hartman takes that same blanket and uses it to cover himself while he takes a nice long nap on the couch.
And what does Dan dream about? Tending bar for white people while watching a video of black people singing his song.
The opening bass line of this song was the musical inspiration to my post-break up song "So Belch"--the only song I know that features an extended belch solo. Of course, there's some mighty good belching in Weird Al songs. However, Weird Al never really explored the musical possibilities of the belch. He just used it as a type of comic punctuation. But I went far beyond that to explore the full range of the belch as a musical instrument.
