163. Don't don't don't let's start

163. "Get This Party Started" by Pink

Anyone who has been married for more than three minutes knows that in a marriage there are good times and there are not so good times. That's why the traditional Christian marriage vow includes the phrase "...for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health…." When I started graduate school at Utah State, I thought it was one of those "better" times for me, but what I didn't know was that it was a not-so-better time for my wife. When I found out how unhappy she was, she said it was in part because I didn't like to do things that she was interested in doing. I assured her that I was, in fact, very interested in spending time with her doing the things she liked. She just needed to give me a chance. A few days after I said this, Julie told me that she was going to her step aerobics class at the city rec center, and she wanted to know if I'd like to come take the class with her.

Now, if it had been a month earlier, I would have said "Have you lost your mind?! I'm a 275 pound guy on my best day, after missing two meals, and getting a really short haircut. I can barely climb the one flight of stairs to my office at work. There's no way I will ever be able to make it through 60 minutes of step aerobics. And besides that, I'll be this old fat guy in the class, and all the women will think it's kind of creepy for me to be standing around in the back of the room trying to catch my wind while they're all bouncing around doing step aerobics in front of me."

But it wasn't a month earlier. It was just a few days after. I really couldn't say no to this invitation. I promptly found a pair of sweats that still kind of fit me, swallowed what little manly man-pride I may have had left, and went to the class. When I stepped through the door, all the women in the class, except for the instructor, looked at me exactly the way I thought they would--with eyes that asked, "Are you lost or are you a pervert?" I stayed in the back of the class and tried to keep up with the moves as best I could, but I was a complete failure at doing anything other than stepping on and off the step.

See, that's what I thought you did in a step aerobics class. Step up. Step down. Step on. Step off. What else could a human being possibly do with a step? But no. I was wrong. So, so wrong. What actually happens in a step aerobics class is that the women do these very complex choreographed dance routines that look very exerciserish when women do them. But when guys do it, they don't look like they're exercising. They look like they're in an epileptic bizarro kung fu fight with Richard Simons…and Richard is winning. Anyway, women do these routines on and around the step, moving their arms and legs in unison, like what a high school drill team would do if a high school drill team had to navigate over and around a small hurdle over and over and over. Of course, there is a simple reason I was in pep band and not drill team in high school. I…don't…DANCE!  However, I found out that day that while my dancing skills are minimal at best, I just happen to be an exceptional stumbler. And it turns out that's enough for a guy in a step aerobics class.

By the end of the first week, I figured out that if I took the spot at the front of the class over by the wall, the women in the room stopped giving me dirty looks and would feel more comfortable, since I wasn't behind them and couldn't possibly look at them without them seeing me seeing them. But I didn't look. I just kept my eyes locked on the instructor so that everybody, including my wife, could see exactly what I was (and wasn't) looking at during the routines. Julie was a bit shocked that I stuck with it all through that first week. When she wasn't able to attend one day the next week, she thought that I'd use it as an excuse to not go. But just to show her that I really was committed to the class (and to her), I still went by myself.

After the first month, the only embarrassing moment was the time I was doing jumping jacks on top of a step, and I managed to drive both my feet through the center of the particle board step. That's right. I was so fat I destroyed the step. They purchased new indestructible plastic steps the next week. Over time, I managed to loose more than 60 pounds by faithfully attending the class. All the women quit caring that I was even there, and it stopped being awkward for me. I got pretty buff doing the class over the next two years, as I'd hold 10 pound weights in my hands while doing the arm movements, which meant that my arms and shoulders got super-toned. I also got in good enough shape to start jogging again. I ended up running two marathons during that time. But all that stepping up and down took its toll on my knees. They started to hurt pretty bad, and when I went to the doc to find out what I needed to do to get the pain to go away, he said I had to stop running and quit the step aerobics class. When Julie heard those doctor's orders, she wouldn't let me go to the class anymore. She almost didn't allow me run the second marathon either, but she let me do it when I promised I'd stop running after I finished the marathon. And 26.2 miles later, I was done with running and the class. I eventually gained all the weight back, but my knees did get better, and I was able to walk without pain again.

What does this long aerobics class story have to do with this song? We used to do a pretty intense step routine to it, and it was my favorite workout song. Whenever I hear this song, it brings back memories of the class and that time in my life when I really committed myself to try to turn something worse into something better. Also, I simply like Pink. There's an authenticity to her music, lyrics, and singing that I really enjoy hearing. Every now and then I'll listen to the top-40 stations and a new Pink song will play. As soon as I figure out that it is Pink (the DJs never announce the artists anymore!), I always stop punching radio buttons and enjoy the music. But no song by Pink makes the old blood pump like "Get This Party Started." Why? Well, besides the Pavlovian aerobic response that developed over two years of synchronized stumbling, this song has that special musical ingredient in the chorus that always makes my heart go boom--Cowbell!

Get This Party Started