Around 1977-78 all of us kids started complaining to our parents about the crappy record player we had and how bad our records sounded on it. Never being one to argue against the obvious, Dad bought us a stereo system complete with an 8-track player. After making that purchase, my sister Renda pointed out that the new stereo should come with some new records to play on it or 8-track tapes to jam in it. That way we could really hear how good the stereo effects were. Dad told her to pick out some, so she selected an assortment of albums that would have a huge impact my musical tastes. Among those she bought were Queen's "A Night at the Opera" and The Eagles first greatest hits compilation that covered the pre-Walsh years (1971-1975). I soon had all the songs memorized, and I became a lifelong fan of both bands.
Our collection of Queen and Eagles albums grew over the years, and when the Eagles released "The Long Run" in 1979, it got so much play on our home stereo that I ended up memorizing all the songs on that album too. Among them is "Those Shoes"--a song tailor-made for those moments when I pondered the question, "What does she see in that guy? He's just a predator after one thing! Doesn't she realize where that's going to lead?"
I loved pretty much everything about this song--the bass-line, the crunchy guitar chords, high-hat cymbals and maracas simmering in the background, the double talk-box guitars, the whisper-singing in the bridge, and the talk-box "butt-outs" at the end. (The talk-box makes it sound like "bud-owp" to me.) These all combined to make it an excellent song for those days when I had an extra-dark mood going.
Bud-owp! Bud-owp!
The Eagles had a lot of hits on The Long Run, including "The Long Run" (obviously!), "I Can't Tell You Why?" (an excellent companion song to "Don't Ask Me Why"), "In the City," and "Heartache Tonight." But my favorites beside "Those Shoes" were "Teenage Jail" and "The Greeks Don't Want No Freaks." The critics claimed that the latter song was only a bit of comic relief from all the dark themes covered on the album. I agree. In fact, I think that "Greeks" is a prime example of good rock 'n' roll comic relief. To show just how good it is, I'll contrast it with the epitome of bad rock 'n' roll comic relief.
Among the albums Renda bought was this 8-track compilation of dance music that included "Macho Man" and "Y.M.C.A" by the Village People, "Brick House" by The Commodores, and "Disco Duck" by Rick Dees and His Cast of Idiots.
That's right. I can sing all the lyrics to "Disco Duck." Including the duck-voice parts.
It's not something I'm proud of.
Now, in order for me to share the shame of that accomplishment, let's go ahead and descend into the fifth circle of music hell and watch Rick perform the song on American Bandstand. I know you're going to be tempted to not watch the entire thing, but you mustn't give into that completely understandable urge. You've got to listen to it all carefully for a particularly excellent question from Dick Clark.
The answer to Dick's question can only be "Fleeing the scene of the crime." It's this kind of television that makes me embarrassed to be an American. You wouldn't see something this ridiculous being shown on a respectable European television network like the BBC.
What?! You've got footage to the contrary? I don't believe it!
And now we know why all ducks should be required to wear pants. No exceptions, Donald!
Okay. I'm sure we can all agree that the only way the two videos above could be bested is with an over-the-top performance featuring Rick Dees in a white Elvis pantsuit and the Solid Gold dancers wearing body-hugging spandex that's been dipped in a vat of French's mustard.
Really?! YOU feel stupid singing it, Rick?! Imagine how WE feel watching it! This is network television, for Pete's sake! And you just HAD to drag Lisa Hartman into this nationally televised debacle, didn't you?! She wouldn't whore out her musical talent in a desperate attempt to bump TV ratings up and--
What? She sang what?! Where?! While wearing what?! Seriously?! You have footage of Lisa Hartman singing "If Love Must Go" on an episode of "Knot's Landing while wearing Lydia's sparkly alien shoulder-pads that she stole off "V" mothership?!"
All aliens prefer to stand with arms akimbo and hands knotted into fists.
HO, BOY! If I can watch Lisa Hartman sing in those shoulder-pads while all of the other Knot's Landing cast members drink booze, I'd definitely want to see that on network television! Do you think her sad face and melancholy lyrics will make any of them cry? I hope so!
Take heart, Michele Lee. Lisa will eventually find love by marrying country music superstar Clint Black. And after that beautiful song, I now have hope that we'll all find love. Eventually.
Except for Rick Dees.
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