109. I find myself in an existential quandary, full of loathing and self-doubt, and wracked with the pain and isolation of my pitiful meaningless existence

109. "Albuquerque" by Weird Al

If a constitutional amendment were passed today to only allow voting for boys ages 10 and 11, they would form a single political organization called the Polka Party and elect Weird Al Yankovic as the next president of the United States. And they would also move the nation's capitol from Washington D.C. to Albuquerque. And they would play "Albuquerque" as our new national anthem at the inauguration--a song that I learned to love so very, very much by listening to it repeatedly as I wrote HTML code on web page after web page during my first grad school job at Utah State.





And in his first hundred days in office, Weird Al would carry out each and every single campaign promise made in his stump speech, which would consist of the Yoda Chant he does at the end of every live performance of "Yoda." (Click the video below and chant along!)



Now, if I'd put forth this radically stupid idea two years ago, people would have nervously chuckled at the sheer lunacy of having children elect such a strange man to stand at the helm our republic. Today, however, it sounds like a damn fine idea!

Dare to be stupid! Vote Al...buquerque!

And now here's the 2015 Yoda Chant stump speech in its entirety. Finally! A practical plan for a president's first 100 days in office that makes sense!

Yoda! Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda! Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda!

da din din da
da din din da
na tin tin na
da din din da

dit dit da
terrigada dit na giggiteeta
cut teeta guddygayna da
terrigada dit na giggiteeta
cut teeta guddygayna da
terrigada dit na giggiteeta
cut teeta guddygayna

da din din da
da din din da
na tin tin na
da din din da

Boom shaka-laka-laka
Boom shaka-laka-laka

Nyaaaaaaaaaa-ahh! PORK!

Homina!
Homina!
Homina homina homina!

Papa-ooma-mow-mow
Papa-ooma-mow-ma-mow
Pa-Papa-ooma-mow-mow
Papa-ooma-mow-ma-mow

Weeelll... doggies! (Turn head left, make neck-cracking sound)

Hey! Yaka-toka-taka-toe ee ah!
Hey! Yaka-toka-taka-toe ee ah!
Hey! Yaka-toka-taka-toe ee ah!
Hey! Yaka-toka-taka-toe ee ah!

Tahuwai la a tahuwai wai la
Ehu hene la a pili koo lua la
Pututui lu a ite toe la
Hanu lipo ita paalai

Everybody!

Tahuwai la a tahuwai wai la
Ehu hene la a pili koo lua la
Pututui lu a ite toe la
Hanu lipo ita paalai

(Oh baby)

Au we 

(Hubba-hubba-hubba!)

ta huala
(Whooo!)

Au we 

(Boing!)

ta huala

Ohhh...!

Zicke Zacke Zicke Zacke Hoi Hoi Hoi!
Zicke Zacke Zicke Zacke Hoi Hoi Hoi!

Brrr-ring-ding-ding,
Brrr-rum-bum-bum, 

Brrr-ribi-dibi-daba-daba-dum-bum-bum

Brrr-ring-ding-ding,
Brrr-rum-bum-bum, 

Brrr-ribi-dibi-daba-daba-dum!

Heh! Huh! Heh! Huh-heh-huh-heh-huh-heh

La-La-LA! NICE LADY!

Ohababa mama munigurujea
Quay Quay Ohoababa yum
Yanumoa gajerinyamo dariji guru
Koalanoiuum dho
Quay zay byoremietem
Quozi lo bundabundasi
Wandawan gajerinyamo
Serejinkuza Humbabamaka

When the crypt doors creak
And the tombstones quake
Spooks come out for a singing wake
Happy haunts materialize
And begin to vocalize
Grim grinning ghosts come out to socialize

Frère Jacques, frère Jacques,
Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous?
Sonnez les matines! Sonnez les matines!
Din, dan, don. Din, dan, don.

Crapa Pelada la fà i turtei,
ghe ne dà minga ai sò fradei.
Oh-oh-oh-oh.
I sò fradei fan la fritada.
ghe ne dan minga a Crapa Pelada.
Oh-oh-oh-o-oh!

Boom boom acka-lacka-lacka boom
Boom boom acka-lacka boom-boom

Crimpity-crimpity
Now now
Crimpity-crimpity
Ask me how
Crimpity-crimpity
Humble pie
Crimpity-crimpity
Boing
Ding
Bong-bong ting
Crimpity-crimpity
Ping-pong

Ee Po Ee (Shoo)
Ee Po Ee (Shoo)
Ee Po Ee (Shoo)
Ee Po Ee (Shoo)
Ee Po Ee (Shoo)

OO!!
Tjak tjak tjak tjak-ka
Tjak tjak tjak tjak tjak tjak tjak tjak tjak tjak

EE!!
Tjak tjak tjak tjak-ka
Tjak tjak tjak tjak tjak tjak tjak tjak tjak tjak

TJAK TJAAAK!!
Tjak tjak tjak tjak-ka
Tjak tjak tjak tjak tjak tjak tjak tjak tjak tjak
Tjak tjak tjak tjak tjak tjak tjak tjak-ka

Brrrrrrr!

cutta cutta cutta cutta
cuttyta nogayna noggy
teeta cuddadit
naw nay daw
cuttyta nogayna noggy
teeta cuddadit
naw nay daw
cuttyta nogayna noggy
teeta cuddadit
naw nay

da da cuddagudda dit
naw cuh-ta
da cuddagudda dit
naw cuh-ta
da cuddagudda dit
naw cuh-ta
da da cuddagudda dit
naw cuh-ta
da!

Yoda! Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda! Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda!